“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
Edgar Allan Poe
It is one of those days where I have nothing witty & humorous to write about. One of those days that I awaken feeling disoriented, in a haze, wishing for sleep that never comes.
Do you ever question reality? I mean, really question it?
Is this a dream. Am I still dreaming. Can this be felt. Is this real. What is real. Truth. Lies.
Sometimes it all gets so mixed, blurred together, that I have no idea what is going on. And I just can’t seem to step on to that moving train. The fundamental ‘rules’ of life just do not apply — or rather, they are of no valuable help. Because at times, there are no rules. No equations to solve. It is not simply ‘here or there.’ No up or down. No this or that. Nothing is as it seems. Everything is as it seems.
I spent most of my life living in that grey area. The area little known to most. It is a space reserved for the strange – the questioners – the often referred to as ‘crazies.’ I could be seen, heard, touched, loved in the physical sense .. but mentally I was miles and miles away. I understood almost nothing mundane. Well, maybe I understood it … I just didn’t understand the why of it all.
I was often called a ‘liar’ when in fact I was just a storyteller. The difference? The stories I told were real to me, somehow. Somewhere up in the infinite space of my imagination, the tale was true. It could even be as simple as my way of trying to process what was happening. Needless to say, I was (and still am to some degree) just incredibly misunderstood.
And because of this confusion- disconnect- lust for something more, I pressed the Esc button a lot. Used many things to help avoid these mundane feelings at whatever cost. I did not want to feel. There was too much pain involved. The abuse, neglect, teasing & taunting was all so much to bear. And there was no one on this Earth that would or could understand.
I don’t necessarily think I have moved positions physically … I think I have just learned how to be more adaptable. I can accept that I may never understand. But this new placing doesn’t come without side effects. My endless need to question gets exhausting. My trying to put one foot in front of the other get confusing. My promise to not use any outside influences to help make my bad days a bit better gets frustrating. And sometimes, I just get lonely.
Such is the life of someone who thinks too much.
It shouldn’t be this easy to post something so odd. Something that is sure to be misinterpreted. But I am finding it rather easy anyway. There is no more room in my head to hide. And no more space on this Earth to keep misjudging people that are different.
I wanted to blog the truth, my truth. And a big part of my honesty means posting things like this. The things that make no sense. The ‘thoughts of a lunatic.’