Pain demands to be felt.

“There will come a time… when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this … will have been for naught…. There was a time before organisms experienced consciousness  and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does.”

The Fault In Our Stars John Green

I look up to the stars not often enough. It isn’t that I am under any false beliefs that they are not infinitely awe-inspiring, I suppose it is just that I can only take small doses of being reminded of my insignificance. The stars give many illusions, but their honesty is not one of them. They tell the truth more purely than most anything or anyone here on Earth.

Swept up in the romance of life & death, I sit trying to summon up a way to be remembered for eternity, and I find myself empty handed. What possibly could I leave behind that would be of any significance? Death does not scare me, it is not being remembered after death that frightens me so. From what I gather though, it is that the very desire to leave behind a  legacy that proves to be unbelievably narcissistic and naive. Or just, human. For, what more of a divine gift could we ever hope to receive or bestow than just simply (but not so simply) our improbable existence of conscious life here?

There was a time when I suppose I just wanted there to be an answer, a reason, for all of the pain. Was there some bigger purpose to it all? For surely, if there were a grand reason for the pain I have both inflicted and endured, then I could perhaps receive a clear portrait of what I must do to be remembered. I am spiritual but not religious. We are all allowed our own vice, our own comforts, our religion or lack thereof, our journey toward answers to our own personal questions …  please do keep in mind that I have no desire to be a part of the discussions that try to deprive people of that right.  I just find that I have a distinct inability to put my faith in something that I have no connection with. I want to be inspired, freed. And so, for my question, a divine answer is not easily found.

Maybe there is no reason for pain, for fears, for cruelty. A passing of time brings & takes what it will. Improbability has always been my companion. In a way, I find comfort in the ‘no meaning to it all’ theory. Pain simply demands to be felt. In another way, it is devastating … for I am a hoper, a wisher, a wants-to-believe-in-meanings’er.

And so my search continues, which is one that I hope never ends. An answer may be what I am seeking, but an answer is something I hope to never find. At least, not in this life. What a bore life would be without a quest.

[these really are the thoughts of a lunatic]


15 thoughts on “Pain demands to be felt.

  1. The Quest… I don’t think I know my quest. I know my main theme, but i don’t know the quest. Maybe it’s not that important to know. Maybe I am just refusing to see it. Maybe there is none. Do insignificant things have quests? Or is the quest the trademark of the insignificant? Is significance the goal of the quest? If it is, can the quest be completed? Does it matter if it can be?

  2. I like to think that reasons for being here are what you make of them. So, if you want to be here for a reason, you will find one. It’s all about perception, and that is ever changing. I’ve felt pain, and I’ve decided to use it to empathize with others who are hurting and to try to understand, in my limited way, how I might be able to help. This gives my pain greater context, and some limited purpose. It’s a pretty good motivator, but then I too may be a bit of a lunatic. 🙂 If I can live my life to stop other people from feeling that way, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, then that’s enough for me. Even if in the greater picture, it’s insignificant to everyone else. We don’t always see the ripples of our actions, but I like to think they are still there. Good luck on your quest, but by blogging, you already may be on it, making ripples, bringing laughter to the sad, attracting fellow crazies. 🙂 Every comment, follow and like could be proof that we are significant each other. If not, well, at least your posts rock. 🙂

  3. I’m a bit the opposite – I think it is futile to look for meaning in life as a whole thing. Days have meaning, sure, but life itself has no real meaning other than to pass on the old DNA and propagate the species. The little tiny things we do in the meantime are what make the waiting or inevitable death and oblivion worthwhile. and there’s no grand plan to that – it’s just stuff.

  4. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and have landed where Seb is. Knowing that I’m insignificant is very reassuring and instills a peacefulness in me that not even the best tequila can accomplish. On the scale of time and space we are so tiny that it is indeed crazy to think we are important. Does that mean that we can just mess things up and not care? I DON’T think so. How we live, treat others, what we learn, in our blink of a life are what matter.
    Another great post btw!

  5. I absolutely was drawn in by the 1st sentence of this entry. Some day we will all be dead. Thanks for the reminder. I guess it isn’tjall about what we leave although in a way it is and it doesn’t have to be just when we are gone completely. It’s the memories people have of us. I have a book on Lulu which some people have bought that they can remember and continue reading to their children. I’ve given bags to the homeless and I know the homeless peoople are quite grateful but they have no idea who I am or if they will ever see me again. I am not dead but to a homeless person, I could be. They don’t know. There is more I want to complete in life yet I don’t know the timing. I just don’t think I want to leave behind memories of only playing FB Bingo and writing on Blogs. lol
    . Sorry so long..

  6. I see life kind of like school (only freer & more fun), where now I may be in 1st grade (or high school, or college)… or maybe I’m on summer vacation… I live, learn, play, love, and go on to the next grade when it is time.


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