I quit smoking for good 5 months ago (woah, go me!), but sometimes I still get the taste of cigarettes in my mouth. It usually happens when I see someone else taking drags … but today my taste buds had a nice fit of nostalgia while drinking my morning coffee.
I only bring this up because I needed some way to start a post, and my nicotine fit seemed appropriate.
I’m finally out of bed after a 2-day bed binge. I should have taken a picture of myself this morning to share with you … I looked like a greasy hamburger, or something. Too late now though, as I dyed my hair, showered, and am now waiting for the big reveal. Darker. Because I find myself in a Fall mood. I might let my blond grow back in one of these days … but today is not that day. Getting over an illness deserves a new hair color, right ladies — and men?
During my haze this weekend, I thought – and dreamt – a lot about my past. If there were only a magic little pill I could take to rid of all the memories. The ones that have formed the constant knot in my stomach, the ones that keep me up at night, the ones the suck the life out of me day by day. I don’t know exactly why I have such an addiction of nailing bad things to my mind, but I do. Maybe I keep them as a reminder of my failures; of the people who have failed me. Perhaps it is a form of self harm. Whatever the reason, I seem to be unable to let things go. And it is slowly killing me.
Some days I feel good about it all, strong. I say to you, “I have overcome my past and am all patched up now.” Some days, I feel that way. But it isn’t the truth. The truth is, I am struggling with it all. Trying to come up with some answer to prove to myself that I am not my past mistakes … that I am good enough, worthy. That I will find someone who is accepting of me for ME. I don’t like to be this person, but I am this person … and to keep this side out of my blog, is to contradict everything I’ve written thus far.
It is just one of those days, you know? One of those days where my coffee tastes like cigarettes.
What are some ways you deal with stress? With bad memories? How have you let the past go?