14.

Dear Loony,

You’re 14, eh? Flat chested, skinny, with a very bad dye job. Sorry to be blunt, but hun, you know it’s true. I want to tell you to just accept that your hair is dark blond, not white … but you will continue melting your hair off way into your 20’s (when you then adopt the ease of brown hair dye). You just moved to a new town (again), and had to start high school knowing no one. People are coming at you from all directions, it’s going to be very hard to choose which way to go. You have by now met a girl, through volleyball practice, that is going to turn out to be your best friend for a few years. She seems a little crazy, right? That’s okay, she’s going to get you through some pretty tough shit. Though, come the end of junior year that bitch is going to betray and turn on you … so its okay if you want to stick a few pieces of gum in her hair.

This year is going to be a defining one for you. Everything is about to change, and you are in for one bumpy ride … but I promise you, you will survive.

You’re going to start thinking about your weight. Those size 0’s are going to turn into 1’s, and you will freak out about this. Little dimples will start appearing on your bum. Someone is going to point out your love handles. You are skinny, but you’re going to start seeing nothing but fat. You’re going to get on the internet and look up ways to lose weight fast, and it is from this that your distorted eating will begin. If you do not choose a different route now, you are going to find that ten years have passed and you’re still allowing your weight to define a major part of you.

You will get boobs, but not yet. I know, all of your friends have boobs and you have none. Not really. It embarrasses you and makes you feel inadequate. Seems like you always end up with a best friend with huge knockers, right? Well trust me, one day you will be that girl. Your boobs are going to start growing soon and they aren’t going to stop until you hit 20. You will appreciate them so much that sometimes you will even fall asleep holding one.

The girls at school are going to hurt you. You are going to be singled out. As the new girl, you will be labeled quickly. Unfortunately, the label they prefer is “Slut.” Although you know that you are a virgin, and you don’t actually end up losing it for 3 years, it doesn’t matter. They will call you a slut and it will stick with you. You are going to get called names in the hall. Girls will corner you and threaten to kill you. On the bus, they will taunt you. You will leave school many times with tears in your eyes. You will beg your mom to take you out of school. You will plead with the counselor to help you – he won’t. But Loony, you have to show up the next day. I’m sorry, and I wish I could change that, but it is what it is. I won’t tell you that it will get easier … throughout your high school career, the girls will get worse and more dangerous. You will begin losing all interest in your school work and fall behind, you will begin changing your personality  But on that graduation day, you will never have to deal with any of them again. You will survive.

Something dark is going to find its way into your mind. You are going to start seeing yourself differently. You are going to start believing all of the bad stuff … and soon, the bad stuff will take you over. Please do not do what I know you want to do (and will try a couple times this year); please do not start cutting because of the pain. This darkness is going to grow dimmer, and will not lift for almost a decade .. but again, I promise you, you will survive.

The bottom line, my dear, is that you are going to make it. You will find your place, though it will take awhile, and you will accept yourself bit by bit. You are beautiful, funny, caring and your heart is too big for your own good. Your personality is amazing, please stop thinking that you have to hide it. Believe it or not, in 10 years you will start a blog and people will actually praise that strangeness.  Things will turn around, just you wait.

All my love,
Big-Girl Loony, Hikari & Miki (your cats).

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41 thoughts on “14.

  1. I’ll be honest: there are occasions when I read some of your posts that I actually well up. Times where I want to track you down and just give you a big f*%$£ng hug.

  2. You captured, incisively, the teenage girl experience – sometimes I wish I could have written this kind of letter to myself, to recognize that nothing stays the same. That is definitely a good thing! Very emotive post – thanks.

  3. This is so sad… and so true. Now that I’m a parent, what you’ve written here encompasses so many of my fears for my ten-year-old daughter. This girl on girl violence… because that’s what verbal and emotional abuse is… makes me want to cry. I don’t delude myself. It doesn’t change and my daughter will also face it. I might read parts of this letter to her… it’s an excellent post about being strong, unique and not giving up no matter what the mean girls say.

  4. Beautiful! But really, sticking gum in other people’s hair is really nasty. I can imagine female bullies respond to that pretty well, hair being one of the defining factors in their image.

    The bully section in my letter is somewhat shorter – looking at your letter I am even doubting that I can rightfully claim having been bullied in highschool (German equivalent: Gymnasium), since bullying among boys is a physical thing, and keeping my opponents at arms length really meant noone could reach me (they actually had to jump on my back to get to me, which required team work, but I wore the discolorations from subdermal hematoma with pride, and theirs were bigger)

  5. I’m sorry you had to go through all that, doll. *hugs you* I like what you wrote, it’s so true, somehow you do survive. I need to remind myself I’m on the other side of alot of stuff. Sometimes it can feel like you’re still there. Hope you have a good sunday.

  6. Very well written, emotional, and some heckuva experience… but you know what I really want to say? — This: Go girl! You made it!
    Stay on the path & keep the light on inside that wondrous soul of yours… you really are beautiful, funny, and caring… really… you are – I just know it… 🙂
    M

  7. Captivating and so true in so many ways. I love how your writing seems to capture the essence of a experience so well, that even the reader (me) can relate to your posts in some way.

    Adieu, scribbler

  8. Brilliant lunacy as always. I envy your ability to articulate your experiences and feelings. Your post makes me wonder if I missed seeing someone being treated badly in school and if I could have made a difference in someone’s life.

  9. Pingback: Sunshine Blogger Award | It's my blog, innit…

  10. Pingback: One Year of Loony « Thoughts of a Lunatic

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  12. I couldn’t help but get teary eyed when reading this. What a great idea to write a letter to yourself. I did this one time in therapy but I was asked to write a letter to my mom. Thanks for another great post!

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