You’re 14, eh? Flat chested, skinny, with a very bad dye job. Sorry to be blunt, but hun, you know it’s true. I want to tell you to just accept that your hair is dark blond, not white … but you will continue melting your hair off way into your 20’s. You just moved to a new town (again), and had to start high school knowing no one. People are coming at you from all directions, it’s going to be very hard to choose which way to go. You have by now met a girl, through volleyball practice, that is going to turn out to be your best friend for a couple of years. She seems a little crazy, right? That’s okay, she’s going to get you through some pretty tough shit. Though, come the end of junior year that bitch is going to betray and turn on you … so its okay if you want to stick a few pieces of gum in her hair.
This year is going to be a defining one for you. Everything is about to change, and you are in for one bumpy ride … but I promise you, you will survive.
You’re going to start thinking about your weight. Those size 0’s are going to turn into 1’s, and you will freak out about this. Little dimples will start appearing on your bum. Your grandpa is going to point out your love handles. Your mom will point out your (non-existent) double chin. You are skinny, but you’re going to start seeing nothing but fat. You’re going to get on the internet and look up ways to lose weight fast, and it is from this that your distorted eating will begin. Thanks mom. If you do not choose a different route now, you are going to find that ten years have passed and you’re still allowing your weight to define a major part of you.
You will get boobs, but not yet. I know, all of your friends have boobs and you have none. Not really. It embarrasses you and makes you feel inadequate. Seems like you always end up with a best friend with huge knockers, right? Well trust me, one day you will be that girl. Your boobs are going to start growing soon. You will appreciate them so much that sometimes you will even fall asleep holding one.
The girls at school are going to hurt you. You are going to be singled out. As the new girl, you will be labeled quickly. Unfortunately, the label they prefer is “slut,” and it will stick with you for the rest of your high school experience (and sadly, long after).
You are going to get called names in the hall. Girls will corner you and threaten to kill you. On the bus, they will taunt you. You will leave school many times with tears in your eyes. You will beg your mom to take you out of school. You will plead with the counselor to help you – he won’t. But Loony, you have to show up the next day. I’m sorry, and I wish I could change that, but it is what it is. I won’t tell you that it will get easier … throughout your high school career, the girls will get worse and more dangerous. You will begin losing all interest in your school work and fall behind, you will begin changing your personality But on that graduation day, you will never have to deal with any of them again. You will survive.
Something dark is going to find its way into your mind. You are going to start seeing yourself differently. You are going to start believing all of the bad stuff … and soon, the bad stuff will take you over. Please do not do what I know you want to do (and will try a couple times this year); please do not start cutting because of the pain. This darkness is going to grow dimmer, and will not lift for almost a decade .. but again, I promise you, you will survive.
The bottom line, my dear, is that you are going to make it. You will find your place, though it will take awhile, and you will accept yourself bit by bit. You are beautiful, funny, caring and your heart is too big for your own good. Your personality is amazing, please stop thinking that you have to hide it. Believe it or not, in 10 years you will start a blog and people will actually praise that strangeness. Things will turn around, just you wait.
All my love,
Big-Girl Loony, Hikari & Miki (your cats).