I have always had a very energetic mind at night; wild things enter and keep their grip until morning’s wake. As a child, I would not only walk around and carry out activities while completely asleep, but I would also have horrible hallucinations that were more real than any dream ever could be. One night, I went out into the living room and saw our bird dead and bloody on the floor. I went screaming and crying to my mother, begging her not to blame me. “It’s not my fault!” I would plead. I was awake, yet I wasn’t. I also had very violent dreams; always feeling an evil presence near me.
It was during this time that I started also experiencing this strange happening right when my eyes closed … the world would suddenly begin caving in on me, I would feel intense pressure; I was getting smaller, everything else getting bigger. The world was right on top of me, and yet, so far away. It used to scare me so much that I would try to open my eyes and repeat the mantra “Stop,” over and over. It progressed to the point where certain things would trigger it. I could be fully awake, going about my day, when a certain song would come on the radio and the pressure would start enveloping me. It happens so infrequently now, that when it did finally happen again a while back, I invited it to continue just so I could see what would happen. I felt very disconnected with my body; I was no longer part of it. I have tried googling it .. the closest thing I can find is Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, but even that doesn’t seem quite right.
Now that I am older, the hallucinations and sleepwalking have [for the most part] ceased. They have been replaced with very vivid bad dreams every single night. I italicize the words because I find that nothing truly describes them. Each night, my dreams include the same themes: death and running from it. In one form or another, whether it be a natural disaster, an ax murderer or one of my own family members, I am always running from death. I am always packing a bag. Usually always trying to also save my little sister as well.
It used to be that I would only have nightmares once every other week, but a few years ago, I started having them every night … and remembering them each morning. This has not gone away. I started trying to stay up for days, fearing what awaited me in dreamland. What does it all mean? Why every night? Because of the abuse and neglect I have been exposed to since early childhood.