“I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time …
those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything.“
I am stretching out my legs a bit, the absence has been felt but not fully intended. I lacked the ability to form words into coherent sentences, and needed to take a short step back to collect thoughts — which I am never in shortage of.
Hello, readers. How have you been?
Finding myself in yet another one of those “self-discovery/questioning & fretting” stages. The phase where I find myself wondering what it is that I am still breathing for; the juncture that stares me down with both darkness and light. I wonder why I am plagued with such a heavy, busy mind, one that is never satisfied with allowing things to just be. Perhaps it is no plague, maybe it is a blessing, though I have not yet figured out how to work it to my full advantage.
I may seem like a broken record, but I fear that the record will never continue past the scratch until I figure things out. There is something I must discover; something I must do. I cannot, should not, move forward until it is addressed and mended.
Once, in high school, I ran away. I didn’t get far; only a few hours from home. I remember looking in the mirror at a bus station, my hair a mess, clothes dirty and body chilled from the winter air, I saw the reflection of a free girl. I was depressed, I was scared, and I knew that things would probably only get worse. But I felt free. For the first time in my life, I was unbound. It was a beautiful moment; the weight of human propriety had left me completely. I had no past or future. It was just that moment, frozen and powerful.
Years have passed since that day, but I haven’t felt anything as powerful since.
Running away from things has been my go-to method of dealing with issues. I don’t recommend it for everything, though I have to admit, sometimes it has saved my life. I’ve lived the life of a nomad, no set roots. No marriage, no kids, has allowed me to drop everything and move to a new place with no plans. I have rediscovered myself countless times, the easy ways and the hard ways, but always learning something new. It has not been conventional, but it – this journey & my flaws – have been mine.
And this, this moment and this fork in the road, is yet another one of those times. I will stand here for a moment before taking a step onto one of the new paths that lay before me. Instead of a hasty and rash decision, I will pause and inquire.