A pause

“I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time …

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those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything.

Lawrence Durrell

I am stretching out my legs a bit, the absence has been felt but not fully intended. I lacked the ability to form words into coherent sentences, and needed to take a short step back to collect thoughts — which I am never in shortage of.

Hello, readers. How have you been?

Finding myself in yet another one of those “self-discovery/questioning & fretting” stages. The phase where I find myself wondering what it is that I am still breathing for; the juncture that stares me down with both darkness and light. I wonder why I am plagued with such a heavy, busy mind, one that is never satisfied with allowing things to just be. Perhaps it is no plague, maybe it is a blessing, though I have not yet figured out how to work it to my full advantage.

I may seem like a broken record, but I fear that the record will never continue past the scratch until I figure things out. There is something I must discover; something I must do. I cannot, should not, move forward until it is addressed and mended.

Once, in high school, I ran away. I didn’t get far; only a few hours from home. I remember looking in the mirror at a bus station, my hair a mess, clothes dirty and body chilled from the winter air, I saw the reflection of a free girl. I was depressed, I was scared, and I knew that things would probably only get worse. But I felt free. For the first time in my life, I was unbound. It was a beautiful moment; the weight of human propriety had left me completely. I had no past or future. It was just that moment, frozen and powerful.

Years have passed since that day, but I haven’t felt anything as powerful since.

Running away from things has been my go-to method of dealing with issues. I don’t recommend it for everything, though I have to admit, sometimes it has saved my life. I’ve lived the life of a nomad, no set roots. No marriage, no kids, has allowed me to drop everything and move to a new place with no plans. I have rediscovered myself countless times, the easy ways and the hard ways, but always learning something new. It has not been conventional, but it – this journey & my flaws – have been mine.

And this, this moment and this fork in the road, is yet another one of those times. I will stand here for a moment before taking a step onto one of the new paths that lay before me. Instead of a hasty and rash decision, I will pause and inquire.

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5 thoughts on “A pause

  1. you probably word for word (but in better words) expressed – me. I feel my most powerful backpacking, similar but not the same as your experience running away, however the sentiment, of having gotten somewhere on your own, seeing a reflection of yourself, that may not be the put together office ready you, but you as a strong willful person.

    I run too, use the no husband, kids excuse, actually I have feared men, feared they would prevent me from running. Been through 4 cities in 7 years, moved 4 times alone in 15 mos. I moved across the world running from a failed relationship.

    I want to become more stable, I feel “ready”, I just have no clue how. I also have no clue how to stop the thoughts. The endless thoughts racing through my head. My roommate says there is only so much energy u have to spend in one day, why waste it on negative thinking. If only she understood that my brain won’t prevent them from entering. No bouncer shutting them out.

    So, I hear ya girl.

  2. My brain never stops either… once I accepted that as part of who I am, I found that I only needed to watch what I was spending it on… right now I’m spending it on Pure & Holy… thus, this ‘thinking’ has become a process, same as sap running up a tree – one branch, another fork, one branch, to eventually reach that one beautiful leaf and bring it life in this moment…

  3. Sometimes my mind goes blank because Mentally I can’t handel all my thoughts, dreams, wishes, irritations, annoyances, philosophical babbles, pains and hardships and random thoughtfulness – they all attack me at once so I have no choice but to switch off! So I calm myself down an google things, blogs etc. Then suddenly you come across someone elses words, which you feel you could have written because those words are exactly how you feel, mirroring your life – almost like your subconscious speaking to you but using someone elses words instead!?

    I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way but your article is one of my biggest obstacles I’ve always faced… I was told by a shrink I run because I’m a perfectionist, I want things to be the way I want them an if I feel like I might fail or I won’t get things my way I head straight for the door or never finish what I started! I don’t have any solutions – I’m no advisor – but theirs something comforting in knowing there is someone else trying to figure things out like I am in a way that I can understand… Thanks for sharing your words to the world!

    • That’s a lot of the reason why I run, as well … I’ve missed out on so much because I thought I wouldn’t be able to be perfect. Thank you for reading and letting me know that I’m not alone.

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