Is everyone alive? Good. Last night got a little bit crazy; I may or may not have mooned my brother’s girlfriend while dancing to Gangnam Style. Aside from a slight blur of headache and water chugging, I fell asleep to Ru Paul’s Drag Race and have woken up oddly refreshed. It’s a new year, people, and it’s time for change!
One thing I want to do this year is shed some metaphorical weight; get rid of some of that baggage that I carry around with me on my shoulders. What is it there for? What purpose it is serving, other than shackling me down? I have a past, as does everyone, but that doesn’t mean I need to keep punishing myself with it. So I tell myself that I will let it go, forgive myself and move forward. I even start doing it; I read your comments here and feel more confident about moving up and over the slumps. But then I get around my family. And I’m right back to being that little girl, hiding in the darkness with no way out.
You see, I’m the black sheep. Not only that, I’m the black sheep that moo’s. I am so incredibly different, there was never any chance that I would be understood by them. It’s important to realize that I am not trying to make them out to be bad people. They aren’t. We just don’t mix. The water and oil can be put together, but they will never blend. I have always watched from afar how well everyone seems to get along with one another. They talk, they laugh, they fall into each other as perfect pieces to each others puzzles. I was always baffled by this. It never came easily to me; it was never natural. I was always on the outside looking in, and I hated myself for it.
But I’ve grown up. Somewhere along the line, not too long ago, I became more comfortable with being me. Rolls & lumps & bumps & crazy and all, I am this person and I will never change. I don’t want to. The problem with this though is that some people still don’t get it, and refuse to accept it. They never will. They look at me with such misunderstanding, that they look past all of my charm and only see the flaws. I did not walk down the path they hoped; I did not go down the road they understood, and because of this, we will never blend together. I have been in therapy, on meds, ran the blades across my body, drank too much, used drugs, used sex, planned & attempted to end my life … all in attempts to black out the parts of me that people hated, and in essence, black out my entire self. So if I have learned anything over these years of pain & bruises of trying to fit in, its that I will never again sacrifice who I am, for another person.
So I may always look ridiculous, I may always be weird and crazy and off. I may do everything the hard way, the strange way, the way no one understands. And I may always be a lunatic. I will forever be the black sheep that moo’s, but you know what? It’s one hell of a party on my side, so if you don’t want to join, you will forever be missing out. And to be fair, there are amazing people in my family that have accepted who I am and have never ever made me feel anything but loved & embraced.
I wish all of you a wonderful new year.You have accepted me with open arms and I am eternally grateful for the support; it means more than I could ever possibly express. This year, open up yourself, or to someone you know that has never quite fit in; accept the differences and embrace them. Spread the Loony Love … because that person may just be hanging on by a thread, and it could be your acceptance that saves them.