Scar Tissue

depression

Unlovable.

I am, ’tis true.

If I am loved, it is for but a lie.

For if I laid the truth out onto the table, not one would stay.

My scar tissue runs deeper than I thought it did.

Yes, I am here again. Annoying isn’t it?

It starts with a thought, a single one.

Then it stems, takes root, grows.

Soon, I am adrift.

Floating off, you cannot pull me back to shore.

Those things?

They still hurt me more than I want to admit.

I hunch down when I walk, head down.

What more is there to say when one is unlovable?

I will never be that girl that draws company around her. The one with the beautiful smile. The charming one. No one flocks to me because of my alluring personality. My past has made me into a monster.

No, I have made me a monster.

I will never be the girl that anyone chooses to end up with.

It hits so suddenly, almost as if out of nowhere.

But I know better; it never really left.

How hard is it to not free myself?

To remove the chains and allow the drugs, the sex? To make the sympathetic decision and allow myself not to feel anymore?

It is … quite contrary to all reason. Getting harder each day.

I wish I could be her.

Lovable.

But I am me.

The opposite.

Quite painful to feel, quite freeing to write.

Yes, I know it. I know it. Don’t think I don’t know it.

Unlovable.

My scar tissue runs deeper than I thought it did.

And I’m sorry that I am so weak that I am here once again.

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23 thoughts on “Scar Tissue

  1. If this is just a post (fiction) then it’s a good one… it really hit me hard…

    But if this is really how you’re feeling right now, then bummer Loon… cause it sounds like you’re in a really bad spot & are having a really tough time… I’ve heard many people say “nobody loves me”… but I’ve never heard anyone say “I’m unlovable” until now…

    everybody is lovable… it’s a basic rule of this life… solid… it just is…

    also, a tree is judged by it’s fruit (what it is now), not by it’s roots (the past, what it took in)… we like flowers because they are beautiful & smell nice & feel nice, not dislike them because… well who doesn’t like flowers?… nobody… which happens to make my point, yes?…

    heck, it’s probably not worth a whole lot to you right now, but I love you… & what you’ve laid out on the table so far hasn’t affected that at all…

    …just sayin’ …just a thought, y’know?
    πŸ™‚
    M

    • Unfortunately, it’s real. The thoughts are my own. What I went to sleep thinking last night; what I woke up this morning feeling.
      I’ve felt the “nobody loves me” feelings before … but last night it just sort of hit me that it might just be impossible for me to be loved.

      I, as always, appreciate your kindness and support. It is worth a whole hell of a lot, in fact. Thank you.

  2. If this is how you speak internally to yourself, I have a few things to yell at you:

    The “lovable” ones you refer too are often fake and hiding a lot more than they are willing to admit. The partner of that person is in for a shock. Have you ever looked past their appearance and into their eyes? Very often it’s a front they put on.

    You, are real and solid, honest and strong. Finding out who you are is part of the journey of life, please don’t think you are supposed to have everything worked out before you are 30. If you did, the rest of your life would be dull.

    Where are you getting this idea from that you are supposed to be partnered with someone all of the time? You have this time to seek out who you are and fine tune the person you wish to be. Then, the person you fit with will find you.

    Unlovable, my ass. Your scars are what make you distinguishable from the sheep. I will also argue the point of not being someone who draws people to her. Look at your following here.

    Ok, no more yelling. =)

    If this post was not self based, then I apologize for the fit. =P

  3. You know it’s not your real voice talking here right? Think of the ones you love, scars n all. Why shouldn’t you be loved?
    Thanks for liking my Beautiful Scars, you are a perfect example of someone with beautiful scars. Keep expressing!

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