How To Choose A Hooker

So I have decided to go back to what I do best: helping people find sex. Logic, people, logic.

Now, on how to choose a hooker, and why you should trust my help. You see, I dont know who you are. But I DO know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money … or the desire to buy back the cheap ho you stole. But what I DO have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have … uh … acquired over a very long career (let’s just say for science …). These skills make me a nightmare for people like you, if you leave a bad yelp review or skip out on paying .. oh yeah, and returning the poor lady to me. If you give pay me an advance now for the trouble you’ve caused, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will …. well I’m not going self-incriminate myself but you get the picture.

Anyways, let me share some of the things I have learned on the job … for those days when you are itching (literally) to find a hooker.

Ask: Are those acne scars or are you just really happy to see me?

Freckles my ass.

Freckles my ass.

Sometimes, hookers get acne. I think it’s a mix of the greasy food they eat & the excess of hormones floating around in their lady parts. Whatever the reason, hookers are like the rest of us, they break out.

But sometimes, hookers do drugs. And sometimes, that drug is meth. If you are going to be spending your hard earned money on a two-legged sex machine, why not spend it on one that doesn’t come with an HIV infection?

Would you buy a car without asking some questions? No? Exactly. So don’t buy a strumpet until you ask this basic one.

Feeling extra festive? Offer up a bottle of Proactiv.

Do the 1-2-3 Check

No conversation necessary for this one folks, just drive by and assess quickly by checking these 3 things yourself:

1 – Does she have both of her legs? If not, she may be suffering from Titanic-itis, otherwise known as, Necrotizing Fasciitis. It’s a nasty flesh eating disease that Jack Dawson started spreading around in the early 1900’s.

2 – Is she wearing a wig? She’s not hiding a secret ‘Julia-Robert’s’ under there, honey. If she’s wearing a wig, she’s probably infected with a case of what I like to call little bloodsucking critter lice that move in on top of the head, but eventually begin traveling south for a new life … if you get my drift. No really, I hope you get my drift. Please for gods sake understand what I am saying.

3 – Does she shave her legs? You might have to slow down your car for this one, but it’s worth it. You really don’t want to even start a conversation with a hooker that forgot to shave her legs. Imagine rubbing your sensitive parts up against a cactus. ‘Nuff said.

Make sure she is human

hooker There are some reaalllllly good quality blow up dolls out there, and you need to be sure that you are paying for the real thing. So cruise your car at about 5 mph and give the hooker a light tap with your bumper.

If she falls over all stiff and plastic-like, chances are she’s not real. If you are on a budget however, you may just want to run out and grab it.

Ask: Do you give discounts?

I know, you’re in a hurry. Your wife comes home from vacation soon and you only have so long to get this done. You have asked about her face scabs, you’ve done the 1-2-3 check, you’ve hit her with your car, and everything seems good! So you’ve parked and rolled down the passenger window. BUT WAIT! Before you let this little harlot inside, ask her one final question: “Do you give discounts?”

Better yet, ask her if you can trade her services for a Big Mac & a side of fries. It’s worth a shot: most of them have insane cases of the munchies and will oblige.

Sure baby, but make sure it's a large fry, will ya?

Sure baby, but make sure it’s a large fry, will ya?

So there you go. My tips on choosing a hooker.

Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all!

36 thoughts on “How To Choose A Hooker

  1. Re: point three. We also work for ginger biscuits or chocolate… well, I do =P
    ❤ ily, sorry I have comment-fail-itus of late. I always read x

  2. Maybe it means you’ve hit the big time once you get hate mail? I’ve never gotten hate mail. I get solicitation mail, and once someone emailed me asking how to use their Facebook page. I’m not even kidding. I guess he thought maybe I had a direct line to Zuckerberg, I don’t know.

    This is very helpful hooker-information. If anyone says the internet’s a time-waster, I’m going to point them in your direction.

  3. This was absolutely hilarious 🙂 And the photos were like an STD warning poster. I’m scratching myself out of a deep-seeded defense mechanism! That said, I’m going to do something I normally never do because, 1) I don’t believe in using someone’s reply box to link to my stuff, and 2) the link is to a column that I won’t be publishing on my blog until Friday. However, given your day and the apparent continued harassment from “Mr. A. Hole,” I thought this might be helpful. It’s about some of the the nasty things people have written to me about my newspaper column, and how to take it with a grain of salt. And a margarita with lime. Cheers to you 😉 http://www.gliterarygirl.com/blog/2013/03/07/develope-a-tough-skin-but-dont-forget-to-moisturize/

  4. Great stuff, random and intrigue all in one sitting!
    Just read your The (Not So) Pretty Truth article also. Very moving and I’m sure there are many who appreciate you sharing.

    • As someone that has lived through a form of human trafficking, I find nothing funny about the real issue at hand … nor do I mean to make light of it. I do however reserve my right to express things as I feel necessary, using humor to get through some of my emotions.

  5. I’ve been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  6. Hi, I do think this is a great site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I am going to revisit yet again since i have book marked it.
    Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you
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  7. First of all I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick
    question in which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
    I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing.

    I’ve had a difficult time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out.
    I do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally wasted just trying to figure out how to begin.

    Any suggestions or tips? Appreciate it!

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