3am Chronicles

i was lying in bed just a few moments ago, clock hovering at 3am, entertaining my fantasies while watching the tiny screen

i rolled over, turned the power off, and i saw it

the shadow. it was next to me, moving on its own. it looked like breathing

breath

but it was not mine. i watched it, for a moment, with fear

i made sure to lie very still

was my head playing tricks on me?

another thought, and then exhale; clarity

it was merely a reflection of the banner dancing around my darkened tv screen

but i continued watching the movement, the large belly moving up and down slowly

i played with the idea that it was my shadow partner

the one who sits beside me always

and i looked up to the cieling

tears streaming down my cheeks

and suddenly i realized how very far away from reality i have been living

i fantasize and i run toward those dreams

but they are not real, none of it is

and i’ve wasted years

years

running toward things that will never fulfill me

i have been so fucked up for so very long, i can’t even pinpoint anymore the exact moment when it began

all i know is that i lie alone at night

and i wake up alone in the morning

and i walk with muddled steps that lead me nowhere

and this, as i stared up at the ceiling just a few minutes ago, is my truth

one.step
two. step
three. lord i beg of you, surrender me
four. show me the light or take my life

what am i running toward? the black ceiling stared back at me with silence

there are only fleeting glimpses of my make-pretend world

i will be her for a day

him tomorrow

so wrapped up in imaginary imagery, i have no idea who i am anymore

coffee in hand now, writing the thoughts that come to the surface

backspace.enter.delete.nonono
yes

do i lie because i am lonely?

do i cheat because i am scared?

harmonious choirs will not sing of my demise

i could not even get into a storybook, dusty on an old library shelf

i built all of these god damned walls and rivers and dams and fucking LIES because i didn’t want to ever get hurt

because i didn’t want to ever be alone

but here i am, not even a shadow-partner by my side

and i am left with this mess i have created, which is the greatest burden to bear

i could sweep

but instead, i live in my fantasy world, chasing fleeting dreams that sustain me for mere seconds

but never fulfill me

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10 thoughts on “3am Chronicles

  1. Wow. Powerful. Raw. Do we really ever know whether we’re running toward something, or away from something? Don’t the lines get blurred after a while? Sometimes the worst kind of lonely is the kind we feel when we’re not alone.

    As for being crazy, it’s the feeling of being held hostage by my mind … while others can leave me and my insanity, I am stuck, trapped by my brain chemistry.

    xo

  2. Even when your thoughts drift to dark places, I hope you know — and believe — what you wright and how you write it shines a light for all your readers. Remember that, please 😉

  3. Pingback: One Year of Loony « Thoughts of a Lunatic

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