Trigger

black-and-gray-gun-photography-smile-troll-Favim.com-298809

black-and-gray-gun-photography-smile-troll-Favim.com-298809

All it takes is a click
A flash
A voice
A smell
Passing someone that looks familiar
or passing the one that actually did it
or getting into a car with the same seats as before
or hearing a name
or seeing a coin fall out of a purse
or catching a hint of a specific cologne
or driving past a freeway exit

All it takes is a second
and the trigger sets
trickles down my spine
numbs my legs
buckles my knees
knocks out the breath
whitens my vision

All it takes is a question
and I am immobile
I dig my nails into my skin
because I no longer cut
because I no longer drink
because I no longer use
I shake
I curl up into fetal position
I run to hide in a secret space where the tears can fall in private
because no one can ever see me cry like that

All it takes is that one irrelevant moment
to load the gun
and boom
you have it next to your temple
roulette
will you live or will you die?

Not even sure anymore just how many there are
new ones pop up each day
some are dormant
some are fresh
some are fucking masters of manipulation

I’m sitting on your bed
surrounded by his weapons
and all I can say is nothing
because you would never understand
and I could never help you to
because I cannot talk about it
and so I sit
and I cry beneath my skin
and I silently beg for mercy
but you will never know
and you will never see it
and I suffer alone
Your fantasy
is my hell

one second
one word
once voice
one smell
one sight
one object
one touch
trigger pulled

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7 thoughts on “Trigger

  1. I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry when I know someone is going through this. I feel for this. I’ve been through those ptsd pains. You described it so well and I hope your mind is now further away from the memories that rarely anything triggers them.

    Ignore them, ignore them, and if they persist, shoot them between the eye and never look back.

  2. I must mirror Lila on this…you relate it so, so incredibly well. I know exactly what you mean. Would you mind if I reblog this? I’d love to share it.

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