What I Cannot Say

It’s a strange thing.

I open my eyes, rub the sleep away. I walk into the bathroom, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
No connection.
I shower to wash the grime away; the same dirt that I have never been able to scrub off. I touch my wet skin, watch as the soap cascades off of my curves. He wants to join me, but he doesn’t understand. I do not know this girl.
No connection.
I walk along the waterfront, I look down at my feet.
No connection.
I read words that I have written days, even moments, ago.
No connection.

Who is she?
Who is this girl?
The fear sets in and my chest tightens.
It is happening again; I am losing grip of myself.
I don’t even realize when its happening; floating away from my body for hours at a time.

I clutch onto him; hold me down.
I search for my spot on the ceiling, it is a game, my anchor. I find it; This is my spot, I am here, I am here, I am here.
I cannot put words together.
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?
My answers are never good enough; he doesn’t understand that I can put no words together.
Inside of my mind is a hurricane. I can barely breathe, barely think, barely be.
There is no way to form words.
What are you thinking?
Can’t you please give me something?
Anything?
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?

The bomb explodes; my knees go weak.
I stop on the middle of the bridge, look down to the water.
What I wouldn’t give to be able to jump off at that moment; escape this storm inside of me.
I do not know myself or what is happening,
and I cannot give him what he needs.
It all escalates so quickly,
too quickly,
and before I know it,
I am on the brink.
The worst part is that it hits so suddenly,
there is no way to prepare.
One moment I am here,
the next,
I am gone; above.

I have been here before,
I know where it is going.
I have been here before,
I know how badly this could turn out
if I am not careful.
Everything
is moving too quickly
too fast
I cannot keep up
I cannot catch up
and so my mind
in an effort to protect
allows me to leave
to dissassociate
in order to preserve
my life
and keep me
from those depths that I have climbed out of.
I need a moment
a single moment
for the world to stop
so that I can catch up.
I need silence
I need open air
I need everything to cease
so that I can come back down.
I have been here before,
and I know where its going,
if I do not stop
slow down.

These words,
I could never say out loud.
I am still so vulnerable,
not yet as healed as I may have thought.
And as I try to stay afloat,
I have another person to think about now.
Who needs more from me than I can give, sometimes.
And I see the pain it causes,
and it kills me.

I know you do not understand,
you cannot,
because I don’t yet understand it myself.
I am not detaching from you,
or trying to go it alone.
I am not pushing you away,
or leaving our team.
I promise you,
I am doing what needs to be done,
so that I can get through this.
Just stay by my side,
and allow me to heal myself.
Make the world stop,
for one moment,
let me catch up to it.

It will be okay.

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7 thoughts on “What I Cannot Say

  1. Loonie,
    I am going to have to collect my thoughts to respond to this.
    Know that you are loved and that you are not alone.
    Jim
    Look at my new Gravatar. That is what I do when I am in danger.
    Thats what 123 means at the end of every post.

  2. I get it more than you think I do, trust me. But in the moment sometimes I forget. I love you, everything will be okay.

  3. Hush sweetie.. Just remember.. Both those girls, the one you are and the one you do not know, are the same beautiful person. The other cant keep you from shining, no matter how hard and how often she tries. And remember. You are loved.

    Hugs,
    Cookie ❤

  4. It will be ok. No matter how far you leave yourself, you will always come back. From the words you have written, I know that you have built a home within yourself, a haven of safety and love to always come back to.
    And…I think he knows too. 🙂

    You are everything you write…..because what you write is beautiful.

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