Answers …

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Cover me in that darkness,
the one that sits beside me.
It is always there,
listening to my heart,
beat,
beat,
beat.
It waits,
for a window
of opportunity.
Old habits,
never die.

I am filled with hate;
if slicing off all of my skin would help,
the blood would already be on the floor.
Please,
please,
let me be someone else.
Anyone else.
What I wouldn’t give,
to stop being me.

How can you love me?
This?
How?
Because I see me everyday,
and I feel me,
and I breathe me,
and there is no way
to love this thing that I am.

Cover me in that darkness,
let me go.
Let me disappear.
I beg,
please.

But you won’t let me.

_

I am having a very excruciatingly painful time with trying to accept his love. With trying to believe that I am enough for him.
It is impossible, for me to be loved, for me to be enough.
It is IMPOSSIBLE!
So why does he lie?
Why does he look me in the eyes, knowing all of my pain, and lie to me?
Tell me he loves me?
Tell me he could never be unfaithful?
Tell me that I am more than enough for him?

I almost ran.
I almost called it all off.
I want to.
I want to escape this feeling and go back to my comfort zone of never getting too close to anyone.
It is what I do; leave before they leave me.
Its better than this.
But is it?
I love him.
I look at him and he is everything I could have ever wanted or needed,
and I cannot imagine him not being in my life.
But the pain,
this pain,
every second,
of every day,
of hating myself,
of knowing that I cannot compare to his past relationships,
or live up to what he wants and needs,
is tearing me apart.

I want to run,
but I want to stay.

How?
How?
Please, someone, give me the answer.

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37 thoughts on “Answers …

  1. One day at a time love, we can do this. You’re worth loving, there is no one before you and certainly no one after you. Just you, the only one in my world. Just remember what I told you this morning.

  2. Above all hold unfailing your love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8, RSV). We are inclined to view this as saying that our love for others should cover their failings, but equally it is promised that it is their love that covers our faults – and we need to have the humility to accept that we need this just as much as others need our forgiveness. Not, dear Loony, that I think you are short of humility, and I do understand the fear you express so clearly. What I am trying to say is that love has the power to heal, if we only hold on and endure, yes, one day at a time. God bless.

  3. oh sweetie…i don’t know you except from your writings on this blog, but the mom in me wants to take you in my arms and tell you you are SO lovable! you ARE enough! what happened to you was SO not your fault…don’t let it define your life. easy to say, tho, right? hang in there….you’ve met a keeper…let him break down those walls slowly, gently, one moment at a time. xo

  4. I would be next in line to hug you. You have been denied. You are deserving of so much love and you are due for it. It is your time.Take it in. It is real. It is finally the way it should be. True love. Let him love you. He sees the beauty in you. I hope that soon you can see the beauty too. I see it every time I read your blog.
    ((hugs))

  5. Erica, what on earth makes you feel like you’re not worthy of his love? I would venture to say that being one of the very few people on this earth that gets him (having endured the same things) is one thing you can give him that very few can. And please don’t assume that you’re not enough. Whether or not you’re enough for him is something for him to decide, not you. You have to see this through if you love him as you say you do. You owe it to yourself to have this chance at something spectacular. You deserve to be happy, my friend. I know it’s hard but keep on fighting.

    • Ahhh. Perfectly said. You said everything I was thinking and was going to say. Life is scary with the unknown. Let your hair down and your heart free. I would say this is a newness you haven’t experienced. I agree with twindaddy. Let him make the decisions of whether he feels you are worthy or not. Evidently he does. Something blissful brought you two together. Universe? God? Life?
      SMILE and ACCEPT IT. And for once, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MY CHILD. ❤😘

    • Heck, I thought that deep down we all knew that we weren’t worthy of another’s love (or our own).

      Are you saying its just me (and Erica)?

      The problem is knowing that your not worthy of love makes it easy to see someone who loves you as a liar or an idiot.

      • Reject it if you like. It matters not to me. If you’d like to go through life thinking you’re not worthy of anyone’s love then that’s your choice.

        However, Erica IS worthy of love.

      • Look deeply into yourself TD.

        You’ve never felt insecure in a love relationship?
        You’ve never been surprised or skeptical at another’s declaration of love?
        You’ve never felt the fear that no-one would love you again?

        Now tell me again that you’re sure you’re worthy of love and not just repeating something from a self help book.

      • Of course I have, but not in every relationship. It’s natural to have doubts about one’s worth, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.

        If you would like to feel unworthy of whatever love you have, then by all means go for it. But trying to convince others that they’re not seems kind of shitty, to me.

      • There’s a difference between validating the self-exposure of someone who has clearly spent a lot of time looking into her own head and battling what she finds there and trying to convince others that they’re unworthy of love.

        I’d suggest its a bit less lame than just spitting out a desk calendar aphorism that we’ve all heard a thousand times before – no matter how well intentioned.

      • I already pointed out that I’m not but you’re clearly not listening.

        Heck, you can’t even parse the difference between rejecting your claim that some “rare exceptions” are unworthy of love and rejecting the entire statement.

      • Bottom line is there is only two kinds of love, conditional and unconditional.

        If its unconditional, worthiness doesn’t come into it.
        No-one is either worthy or unworthy.

        If its conditional you have to allow the possibility that you may not meet one or more of the conditions. To say you are ‘worthy’ of love without knowing whether there are people in the world whose conditions you meet is kinda meaningless, no?

  6. The answer is simple, to my mind of thinking…. his past relationships are past relationships for a reason. The relationship you have to measure up to is the one he’s going to have in the next hour, the next day, the next week – with you. And that puts the power back into your hands. New paradigm, whole new game.

      • Ten critical differences between that guy and me:
        1. She liked him because he could spell. I can’t. Not without a wiggly red line under something.
        2. I’d rather push a Chevvy than drive a Ford
        3. Look at the pic below. I am not what you would describe as slender. I still have puppy fat.
        4. Listen to any of the voice recordings on my blog. I talk like a Hillbilly, not some twee, reedy Welshman.
        5. He was a good listener and says wise things. I’m usually full of shit.
        6. He talked for hours on the phone. Good luck trying to get me to talk for more than 20 seconds on the phone.
        7. he has legible handwriting.
        8. “I think I am falling in love with you”. Please – give me some credit. I can come up with waaaaay better lines than that!
        9. Organizational inefficiency? My folks are Germans – we invented that shit!
        10. Bottled Bud? Oh God no….

      • 11. Presumably you’re not really a woman.

        Or is that you, Amy? 😉

        Great story though, eh?

        I thought Claire’s detective work was particularly impressive, but it sure underlines how much even a determined amateur can find out from your online footprints.

        I shudder to think what Google or the NSA could do.

      • When I was on the reporting staff at the Mercury, I had a few assignments where I had to pose as a fake on line, usually in order to lure scammers out into the open. You need to be very organized to do it. Amy was a grade A chump, she made a stupid rookie error – but then, it was hard to see where her gameplan was leading her.

      • Well, the conversation below with Cadrogal should go some ways towards disabusing you of that adoration 🙂

  7. I guess the old adage about learning to love yourself before you can properly love others still holds true.

    Every relationship is different: people bring different strengths, personality traits & history. Even if you hook up with the same person in your 20s and then in your 30s you’re going to have a slightly different dynamic both times. It’s like trying to decide if an orange or a bread roll is “better” – too damn subjective.

    In my own experience, I’ve never loved a “perfect” person. Don’t think I could, to be honest. It’s the flaws, vulnerabilities, hidden bits and unique details that attract us to one another.

  8. Everyone has people they match up with. How can he love you? Because maybe you, in all of your loony-ness, are the puzzle piece that fits to him and his particular brand of hot mess. *wink and grin*

    The curves and angles of you fit the grooves and corners of him.

  9. My Dear Friend,
    I Only clicked the “Like” button, as I thought your writing was So Raw with Emotion. Truly a work of Art. So Many replies of Love, Understanding, and Caring.
    Anastasia

  10. U know Erica. I have tears flowing down, as I read this. Its like you have pulled out my feelings n etched it down I feel exactly the way you do. When love comes about. Hence I have no advice to give you. I’m glad that you and Gabriel and finally becoming one.

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