Well it’s come! My one year anniversary with WordPress. *clinks glass*
I’m having a hell of a time trying to figure out what kind of grand gesture is appropriate for such an occasion, but since I am very anti-climactic, I thought I would just take a brief drive down memory lane and perhaps end with what lies ahead.
So picture this.
I was sitting in the living room of my parents house last July, eating away the sorrows of my failed move to California. I was feeling extra sorry for myself; I mean shit, I had tried and failed again and had absolutely nothing to show for myself. I was past the withdrawal phase of quitting drugs and was entering the ‘finally I can feel all of the fucking guilt about it and now I want more’ phase, I had left most all of my belongings back in California in my desperate attempt to escape quickly, I had spent all of my money on the move, I had quit school, I gained back the 15 lbs I had lost from the crack cocaine and added on 10 more, I was triggered by the endless darkness that was still following me around, and I was creatively dying.
I am not kidding when I say that I had nothing left …
which I only recently realized meant nothing left to lose.
I took a chance on creating a blog to get some of my thoughts out. I didn’t know what I was doing, or if anyone would read it … but I went ahead anyway, and just like that, The Thoughts of a Lunatic was born.
I had no idea where I was going with it. One moment I’m attempting to begin explaining the crazy in my head, and the next I’m getting Freshly Pressed for taking digs at some a-hole that I saw complaining about the ‘Like’ button. I tried to gently begin talking about my past suicide attempts, I boasted about some killer jeggings, I bitched about the fucking bullies in high school that I had to deal with, and then mid-October hits and I take a real low dive into my hole in the ground.
But like a true Lunatic, I got out of it pretty quick. By December, I was finding a sort of groove. I still hadn’t talked about the dark, dirty secrets inside of me, but I did write about how I failed at getting thin and got Freshly Pressed again. Have any doubt how excited I was about that? You shouldn’t. I burnt my crotch with boiling water … then wrote about it, for future proof.
January comes and I start feeling extra shitty because another year has come, 2013, and I already know that it ain’t gonna be any different than ones before.
March. I decide to start sharing more personal stories of my past.
It proves exhausting and triggering to share more intimate details about my life, so I just start writing poetry to fill the space and to explore parts of my brain that didn’t want to see light.
Boom. April comes. I quit sleeping again, and dye my hair in hopes of starting anew.
And I did.
I write a post about the reality of mental illness and abuse.
I expose my soul; myself.
And it is Freshly Pressed.
And I want to say no.
And I want the admin to delete it.
And I want WordPress to take it down.
But I do not.
And because I did not,
a boy happened to find it,
and sees himself in my writing,
and boy sends me an email.
He is just a boy,
at that moment,
just a boy.
Little did I know …
May. I am hospitalized for an infection …
and I meet the boy in person.
And I start to fall in love,
because neither of us are naive,
so we know that this is different.
He is different.
And he gives me the strength to write a piece that, to this day, I have not yet reread.
Secrets I have kept inside all of my life.
The reasons for most all of my fucking darkness.
A year ago, I was growing out of my old self,
a younger self,
a self that I had been clinging onto for far too long.
This blog has helped me,
given me the keys to unchain myself.
Now here I am,
growing into myself,
my real self,
the self that had been hiding all along.
I am engaged,
I am overwhelmed,
and scared. ,
and still crazy,
but I am happy.
I catch myself during the day, staring off into the distance, thinking about my past; where I have been, where I was just last year. And then I smile, just a small secret smile, because I realize that I am in the first real, good, safe place I have ever been in. I feel it. Everywhere. Evolving. And I find great comfort in this.
So with that, a
GIANT THANK YOU
to all of you whom I have had the pleasure of getting to know; to those who read and respond and care. This would be nothing if not for you.