The Thing About ‘Moments’

115634-10000872-7

In life, there are wondrous moments; fleeting seconds of pure ecstasy, that we wish we could bottle up to keep with us forever. There are moments so pure, so exhilaratingly freeing, that they almost seem wasted when we realize that we cannot preserve them in their pristine form.

I have spent a lot of time anticipating moments.
What will the moment feel like, when I graduate high school?
When I am free to go off on my own?
What will the moment feel like, when I finally overcome my abuse?
When I can
get away from these men and find my own way?
What will the moment feel like, when I fall in love?
The real kind of love?
What will the moment feel like, when I realize I am loved?
When I am proposed to?
Married?
Holding my first child in my arms?

The anticipation of moments build and build and build, until I almost explode with the excitement. I imagine a moment so powerful, so felt, that it will be impossible to breathe; a moment so amazing that it will last forever.
But they don’t; they never happen that way.

Painful moments; the kind that penetrate your heart and soul, the kind that cause you to sink, are the kind you remember vividly.
Painful moments, are the kind that stay with you.
The kind that last forever.
A death, being abused, an accident, getting hurt, watching a loved one walk away, hearing painful words, feeling painful things, stars dimming and dying …
we remember those; we feel those.
I can still smell my abusers. I can still feel their touch on my skin, as I watch the goosebumps rise. Those moments have been bottled, everlasting.
I can still see my childhood friend, dead in her coffin. That moment has been bottled, everlasting.
I can still hear the names my loved ones have called me; the way they have slandered my name. Those moments have been bottled, everlasting.

But I fell in love, the real kind of love. And it happened so fast. And try as I might, I cannot remember the smells or the touch. I cannot remember the exact moment of impact.
I was proposed to. And as I stood there, looking down at him, listening to his words, I got carried away in my mind.
This was not a fairy tale moment, this was real. Is this how it feels? Where are the tears? Where is this grandiose earth-stopping moment that you hear about all your life? Why am I not crying?
Do not get me wrong, it was the most beautiful moment of my life and he did it so perfectly … I guess you just can’t ever truly anticipate how you are really going to feel.
I got home that night and I wrote the entire proposal out.
Because I knew that unlike my bad memories, this one would quickly fade.
It would dim.
And I wanted to remember everything about it.
Because I could not bottle it up.

As I sit here now, anticipating a wedding … my wedding, I find myself a little solemn.
I have built up this day in my head.
A small, intimate ceremony, exchanging personal vows.
I imagine what it might feel like.
Will there be tears?
Will I be able to breathe?
And the sadness hits, because I know that that moment will be stolen from me as soon as it is over.
That moment, that beautiful moment, will be gone in an instant.

Oh how I mourn the workings of time.
Oh how I wish that we could wrap ourselves up in the ones we love, and stay with them forever.
Oh how I weep for moments lost.
Oh how I do so want to be blanketed by the night sky, lying next to these beautiful moments until the day that I die.

But the thing about moments, is that they are not supposed to last. We are ever-changing, ever-evolving, and that is sad …
but it is also beautiful.
Because that is time,
and time will always go on.
fee60367f9b408e9deac3d49b4b8814d

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “The Thing About ‘Moments’

  1. You may be pleasantly surprised one day in the future. There are flashes of my wedding day which I have apparently bottled, and that was more than twenty years ago! It is not only the hurts that we remember so clearly – not always, at least.

  2. Have someone video the ceremony so you will always have it and not have to worry about losing the moment. I know it’s not the same as remembering every detail but I think you will appreciate having it to watch and it will get rid of one stress you don’t need leading up to the day. As far as remembering the bad things, I try to pair up those memories with how I overcame them. Grief, I allowed myself the time to process it and pulled myself out of that pit. So, yes the hard times remain in my head but also boost me up because I know they did not beat me.

  3. Time slips quickly through your hand like sand, With each hour lays a wonderful or tragic moment and memory. I enjoyed your post >.< I turned 15 2 days ago and i wrote a blog about when does life actually begin within these moments… If you could check out i would be ever so grateful 😀 theteenagelunatic.wordpress.com

  4. Every moment as it is happening, is yours. Sometimes that’s all we have so we have to let each moment feed our soul and give us life.Breathe it in. Some of those beautiful moments will never leave you. Let them have a chance to conquer over the bad ones.
    And YES to the video! There will be parts of your special day that you didn’t even know existed until you watch it later.
    Wonderful, moving post…..as always.

Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s