Midnight Musings of Loneliness (and other melancholy things)

17

When I was a little girl
I was stuck;
always at the mercy of others.

It was then that I developed my claustrophobia,
my fear of having no escape.
I remember being bound so tightly
I could not breathe
I could not breathe
I could not breathe
and
I could not run.

I remember their eyes
on me
judging me
ridiculing me
disciplining me
for being different.
I would run into the forest
cuddling up to a tree
or lying on a bed of moss
and cry
and cry
and cry
just wishing
and hoping
and praying
that someone would come to check on me
hug me
hold me closely.

I was a pain.
I was confused
and jealous
and obnoxious
and annoying.
I asked too many questions
and thought I knew too many answers.
I wanted to be attached at the hip
to my mother
to my grandmother
and I would quickly unravel
when a cousin
or another child
tried to take that spot.

I would be dragged to family functions
despite the fact
that we all knew how they would end up.
I would get sad
and they would get mad.
But I was stuck,
you see,
always stuck.

I was a pain
but I wasn’t trying to be.
I was only trying to hold on
to any love that I could get.

As I grew older,
I learned to avoid vulnerability.
I learned to close myself off,
never get too close
never too attached.
Always, have an escape route.
That way
no one could take their love away from me
or use it against me
because
I would never let them give it to me
in the first place.
I would distance myself.

I would deny my feelings
so that I would no longer be ridiculed for them
and I would deny my affections
so that I would no longer be stripped of them.

I thought that by doing things this way
I would hurt less.

I didn’t.
The only thing I got was
lying next to a stranger in a strange bed
or lying next to a boyfriend that was all wrong for me
or
lying alone at night
in a cold bed that held no comfort
crying out to the darkness
to be held.

I am grown now,
most would call me a woman.
But as I sit here alone on the couch,
while my love is in the bedroom
in bed,
I realize just how far I let myself go
when I began closing myself off.

I realize that I am still that little girl
so sensitive
so emotional.

I realize just how much
I still crave
physical touch
and need
constant reassurance.

All it takes is
nothing
and I am that little girl again
feeling unloved
and unsafe
and sure
that he will be leaving very soon.

But,
instead of just
telling him,
I slip out of bed
because I am feeling lonely
because I am feeling alone
and all I know
is how to feel these feelings
by myself.
All I know
is to escape.
All I know
is to curl myself up into a ball
and protect myself
knowing full well
that this man
is not like the others

When I was a little girl
I was stuck;
always at the mercy of others.
Now I am all grown up,
and I am stuck;
at the mercy of myself.

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17 thoughts on “Midnight Musings of Loneliness (and other melancholy things)

  1. My thoughts are with you
    In your time of sadness and fear

    No advice to make it better
    to make it go away

    I hear you doing the work
    to lessen the deep deep pain

    Our learning to live without love
    Kept us in their chains

    But walking through the feelings
    will free us from their shame.

    Love to you Luennie!

  2. I relate to this so completely. But I’m glad that I’m at the mercy of myself and not others anymore because at some point I can figure out how to help me instead of waiting for other people to give me something they don’t have. You always write things that I feel but can’t articulate. I’m so glad you blog.

  3. “All I know
    is to curl myself up into a ball
    and protect myself”

    Someone once said “If we are alone, at least we are together in that”

    Love your blog.

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