Why I Write

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There was a time when I had given up hope; a time when I had the exact plans set on how to end my life.
There was even a time or two when I tried my hardest to carry out those plans.
Times I tried,
and times I failed.

I held out hope for nothing. Life had broken me, life had ruined me. I remember the last breaths; the long inhales that I believed would be my final ones … and I remember the darkness, the black, surrounding my eyes. I closed them and I felt calm, I felt peace, and I let go.
But I awoke.
I awoke after each of those failed attempts.
There was a reason … but what was it?

Little by little, since the day of my last attempt, I began feeling hopeful. Not about life, not about my future, not that things would ever get any better, but hope that maybe one day I could be considered a writer.
An author.
I held out hope that I could pour my soul into my writing, and that people would respond. That all of the crazy thoughts inside of my head, and all of the painful experiences, would somehow serve a purpose.
I had hope.
And I held onto it.
You see, as a little girl, writing was all I had. It blanketed me and covered me in safety. I could express myself in a way that was impossible through any other medium.
Writing was my thing. It was my only thing.

Allow me to let you in on a secret that only my fiance knew about up until now:
Last year, in July, I wrote myself a note. In that note, I gave myself one year. One year to attempt writing in a public way, and one year to see if I could succeed. One year to discover if the one thing left that I still had hope for, would work out. It was my final dream. And if in that year I could not do it, I would use my experience of those failed attempts and end my life once and for all.

I built writing up so very tall; for when you are in the pit of desperation, an ant can become a giant.

That is not an easy thing to admit, and I do not express it without shame. That is why it has taken me up until now to tell you.
I do not let it out for sympathy or pity, no. I let it out because it is the only way to properly express my gratitude.
You, reader, must understand that magnitude; You, reader, must understand what you mean to me.

I write my truth.
I write my ugliness.
I write what is not easy to share.
I write what is not easy to admit.
And I let it out into the universe.
And you read it,
and you recognize it,
and you care.

I thank you, each one of you, for that. For allowing me to finally be myself, and for supporting and encouraging me on my journey.

Thank you.

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42 thoughts on “Why I Write

  1. Loony,
    You are an inspiration to me. A role model for pouring it out there. For putting onto the page what we all look for. A way to get connection to another soul.
    I am so grateful that Ggod put you in my path and you realized your goal of being a writer. If you ever need someone to negotiate a contract for you, please call on me. It would be an honor to do that for you.
    I am not an expert, but I am intuitive. You have the skill to get people to feel stuff inside of themselves. Thanks for being such a wonder full survivor. Our paths are not exactly the same but the abuse is somewhat similar that I truly “feel” what you are saying, mostly based on my own experience.
    Keep writing my friend. I say that selfishly as your writing inspires me to write.
    Jim

    • You are too, too kind to me. I teared up reading this. I want, more than anything, to write a book … though I have no idea how to go about it or even how to get started on getting it published.

      Thank you for once again inspiring me to get going.

  2. I love all your blogs and especially this one it is really inspiring and I can relate. It took me a while to feel comfortable writing out whats on my mind or how my day went with blogs and even journals just because I was uncomfortable to one day going back and reading about it and having to think to myself ‘wow I can’t believe I went through that’ & seeing how much time has gone by.

  3. Wow. I don’t know what to say, but let me ramble something anyway.

    First, I’m glad to have met you.

    Secondly, you are an incredibly talented writer, and I hope you know that. You’re story on BBW caught my attention, but it was your writing that made me follow.

    Third, it saddens me to know that you’ve attempted suicide and gave yourself that ultimatum. I can never understand or relate to anything you’ve ever been through but I can promise you the world would be a bit less bright without you in it.

    Fourth, I am beyond ecstatic that you and Alex found each other. I think you both realize now that you are both worthy of love and deserve to be loved. At least, I hope you both do.

    Keep on writing, Erica.

  4. This was so wonderful and so beautiful to read….i hope you know that i feel the exact same way and you have made me feel a lot less alone. Thank YOU. You’re writing is heartfelt and honest, and i love it. I have the exact same dream =) That is why i started my blog, too. Would you mind if i shared this? You are a beautiful and amazing person, my dear! ❤

  5. Well, I’m glad you write and that you’re still here.
    I’d caution against ultimatums & deadlines like that in general, simply because it usually takes a couple of setbacks, failures and delays to actually succeed at what you want. But I’m sure you know that anyway.

  6. It’s good you have a rationale. It’s even better that you have an actual purpose which is beyond yourself. That’s really what makes it worthwhile. Too many people just run around making a great big noise without as clue as to what they are doing. They ruin it for everyone!

  7. Thank you for being real and true. You really are an inspiration. When I was growing up, the written word was my only friend, the only one I could really count on. I could read big words long before I could pronounce them. I need to be real but I get scared – of criticism, of judgement, of misunderstanding. This post has cut me to the quick and inspired my heart to get real. The friends I don’t need will be the ones who judge me and abandon me as I reveal my true self. I can’t say it enough – thank you!

  8. Erica,

    It is so difficult for us to find similar souls who have gone through similar experiences, to learn how common our world can be.
    You took the courage (that i still don’t have) and wrote it down. I am in awe of you, of your courage and of how you have fought yourself through and told yourself that you will not be engulfed in the misery of the dark nights. You will not be trampled upon by the mammoth beasts known as Betrayal and Abuse.
    Those tears have crystallized into words of substance.
    You inspire me to be bolder and stronger as i walk ahead.
    Will always be an admirer.
    God bless you and Gabriel.

    Love –
    Piyush

    P.S. – if u have the time.. do read my best article till date – a true happening in my life. my 1st every attempt at writing a short story.
    http://anecdotesofajester.wordpress.com/2013/06/29/nostalgic-snippets-of-neverland/

  9. Loony,
    I’ve been following you since December. I appreciate your candor and your heartfelt expressions. I can relate to you more than you’ll ever know… In many ways, our words match even tho they’re from different perspectives. I’m glad your light wasn’t extinguished because I would have lost my inspiration and the friend that I’ve never met. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep being yourself…

  10. Thank you! Your words have helped me more than you know. We have similar paths and you give me a perspective that I wouldn’t normally have……I’m glad you held on…I know how deep and dark those pits can be and how hard it is to fight them but you remind me not to give up hope.

  11. Your words are beautiful and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to read your work. You are an inspiration to all. Thank you for giving me hope and for living your own truth. Thank you for inspiring me especially in this particularly dark time in my life. You are an amazing writer and I can’t wait to see what you do next.

  12. Erica, I am glad that you decided to write because then I would not have found you. Even though we do not know each other your strength to keep going and to keep writing has meant something to me. I host my own blog and have done so several times but always felt like I was wasting my time because i figured no one would care to read anything I would have to say. I try to avoid the stat page because it would just reinforce my feeling of worthlessness. But following you and then also a few others I decided well as long as maybe it makes me feel like I got something out of it maybe I did not have to give a shit if I had readers or not

    • I had to avoid the stat page for a long time … I really wasn’t getting anywhere. The thing that matters though is just getting things out. If one reads or a million read, isn’t the point. If you get something out of what you write, that is the goal … or at least, should be (I’m still working on that one).

      • Indeed.. that is exactly what I keep trying to remind myself of. That it’s for me and that as long as I can get something from it then the stat page should not only not matter but not make me feel even worse. I guess it’s a constant work in progress? Also thank you for your replies, it really meant something to me that you took a moment to respond.

  13. Erica, I’m so glad that you decided to give writing a chance, and by doing that you gave hope a chance. And, now look at you — you’re a stream of hope to so many around you! And, you’re an awesome writer, too! You’re a natural with knowing just how to weave words together that pierce the heart and penetrate the soul! Keep on! You’ve only just begun!

  14. Yes. Sometimes you just have to let it all go, give up, let any hope drain away and then see what is left … and if what’s left is that insistent prompt, no matter how faint, then follow it and where it leads

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