I remember thinking, “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,”
and then you decide to prove me wrong
over and over again.
You one-up yourself,
and instead of relief,
you get thrown new horror every single day,
that is worst than the last.
I will never unsee the way you pleaded with me. The look in your eyes as you stared at me, begging for refuge.
I will never unsee the way you twisted and contorted your body for hours on end. The seizures that took four of us to hold you down. The hallucinations that made you scream and bawl in terror. For five hours, mom, Alex, and I stood holding your body. I think we left pieces of our souls on the floor that night.
I will never unsee the day I stood beside you as you got your pic-line, and your epidural, and how you told me, “Sissy, they hurt me!”
I will never unsee the pain the plagues you all day and all night, with no relief. How you do not sleep, how you do not eat. How every minute of every day is spent with the tense tightening of pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. There is nothing else.
I had to leave your room yesterday. I left Alex with you, and I ran into an empty family lounge. I flung my body on the couch in the cold, dark room and I loosened the heartbreak that I had been holding in. I got on my knees, pleading with both god and the devil, I didn’t care which. I got up, because neither ones were listening. I could not stop the flood.
Each day brings something worse. Another thing on top of another thing that prevents you from breathing. You asked me yesterday, while we were alone, to kill you. You looked me in the eyes and calmly said, “Please sis, if this doesn’t get better, please promise you will kill me.” My little sis, my best friend, my playmate of 17 years, asking me to end her life out of sheer desperation.
I realize now that I had never experienced heartbreak until now. This is hell. This is watching someone suffer day in and day out. This is watching someone crumble. This is not being able to do anything.
There will never be the possibility of unseeing this.
But. There is no one stronger than her.