How to [awkwardly] Meet Your Husband

Get a tooth infection, it all starts with a tooth infection. You’ll swell up like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, and you’ll think it’s probably time to go to the hospital. Wait, puke up the insane amounts of Tylenol and ibuprofen you’ve been inhaling. Okay, now you are ready to go the the emergency room.

Once you’re there, you will sit for five hours in excruciating pain. When you are contemplating suicide by way of tipping that soda machine over on yourself, the doctor will finally call you in and offer you some Vicodin. You will look at him the way you looked at your armpit when you first saw hair growing from it. He will give you morphine instead, and you will float away on a cotton candy cloud.

Two days and an excess of dehydrated mashed potatoes and cardboard pork chops later, you should text your crush. While you’re at it, send him a picture of the balloon that is your face and say, “You fill me up with love.” To which he will respond with nothing, because he doesn’t exactly know whether to pity you or run away.

Once you are released from the hospital and can finally shower, you will notice that your hair no longer moves. This is normal when a person does not bathe, do not be alarmed. Lather, rinse, and repeat until your body’s stench no longer overpowers the ammonia, and then text your crush. Tell him you are home now, and ask him how worried he was for your life. Don’t be afraid to throw in a, “You know, I almost died. You could have had to raise our child all on your own.” To which he will respond with nothing, because he has never met you and does not know whether to commit you or kindly euthanize.

Lucky for you, a week & more of your horrible jokes later, he will find you entrancing and ask to meet.

The day will arrive for your big meeting, and you will wake up 17.5 hours early to prepare the grooming process. Tip? Shave everything. You will pop every pimple and pluck every eyebrow hair and brush every tooth three times and cry a little on the scale and then cry again when you put on your outfit and then rub lotion all over yourself that smells like a french tart. Finally, after all of that, you will be ready to go meet him.

Go into the store where he is supposed to find you. Look around and pretend you don’t see him walk in. Panic and grab the first thing you find, which will turn out to be hemorrhoid itch cream. Buy it anyway, and then call him, “Where are you? Are you here yet?” To which he will reply with no mention of what he just saw you buy, hoping that it is for your grandfather Earl. Walk out of the store, and walk right past him.

Back up … and make BEEEEP BEEEEP sounds as you do so. He will smile, though you do not know if it is out of disgust or intrigue. Say hello to him awkwardly, then pull him in for a hug. It will not go very well since he is a foot taller than you and twice your size, but do it anyway  because it will make you feel like a cocooned butterfly. You will feel beautiful for the first time in your life in those arms of his.

Start giving him bad directions immediately, when you two enter his car. Tell him to go left every time he needs to go right, and then correct yourself when it is too late. Tell him, “It’s not a date until we are both killed in a car accident.” Snort when you chuckle, and make him fall more in love with you.

When you begin walking in the park you finally directed him to, make sure to get your feet dirty. Make sure you walk in the muddiest places so that when you two take a seat, your feet will look like they are molding. “Overripe,” you will say, as you try to toss your hair sexily, though it will just end up getting caught in your mouth and eyeballs.

Soon, it will be time to eat lunch and for some reason, you lead him to a burger joint. You know you are a messy eater, and you want him to see you drip all of your food onto your white shirt. But that won’t even be the worst of it, no. Once you are finished eating the whole quarter of your burger (“Oh, I’m sooo full!”), you will get up to use the restroom … and you will fart. Yes, you will rip one right there in front of him and try to cover it up by saying, “Damn skin rubbing on the seat!” Then you will smell something and emphasize, “Yep, that is the smell of my skin rubbing on the seat.” You will quickly exit to the restroom, where you will proceed to stand in front of the mirror for twenty minutes, thinking you are the ugliest creature alive.

When you exit the toilet room, he will look at you like you just plugged up the plumbing. He will consider courteously telling the cashier that his date just spent twenty minutes in the bathroom, and that they should probably put on a gas mask and enter with a plunger … but instead he will smile and take you back out to the car.

Soon, you two are at a new park. This time, you find yourself walking up a hill and sitting on an old picnic table that overlooks the world. You will ask him what he is thinking about, and he will tell you that he wants to kiss you. Just then you will see a spider on your leg and accidentally punch him in the face. He will spin you around, holding tight to your waist, and put his lips to yours. It might be to dull the pain of your having just punched him in the face, or it might be because he thinks you are the cat’s meow.

This kiss will let you know that you have found the man you are going to marry. You will realize that you are ten years old again and have a crush, only this time, the crush is love. True love. The two of you will marry four months after that first meeting, and will gain fifteen pounds by the third month of marriage. Your lives will blend together, until they are one.

You will not worry so much that your pants aren’t fitting right, or that your legs are getting hairy, because you have found your One … and as it will turn out, he loves you just the way you are.

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11 thoughts on “How to [awkwardly] Meet Your Husband

  1. For anyone wondering, yes she really did fart. Oh and hun you should probably shave your legs, I cant tell where the cats start and your leg hair starts… the worst part, they are on the other side of the room.

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