The Invisible War

kylethompson flouradam

There is a burning inside of me, anxiety, all of the time. I try to make my way through the days, try to put one foot in front of the other, and I think that I look okay on the outside. No one sees the war inside of me, and maybe that’s the way we like it. I am crying, fighting, scratching, failing to breathe … but you won’t see that. You won’t see any of it.

And thus the journey of mental illness and anguish carries on. The invisible war.

I don’t know how much longer I can take it. No. Actually, the depressing thing is that I know that I can take it … I just wish I didn’t have to. I have a good life now. I HAVE A GOOD LIFE NOW! I scream out in my head. So why am I not better? Why am I not fixed? Why am I so god damned hell bent on destroying myself. I can’t be happy. I can’t be happy. I can’t let things go. I can’t let myself off the hook. I can’t stop being scared. Being scared all of the time. I panic. Everything guts me. Even the things that aren’t real. They become real to me.

In my head, in my stomach, in my heart, I am fighting this war. The invisible war.

I lie in bed at night and beg for the tv sounds to lull me to sleep. No silence, please, I cannot take the silence. The quiet is deafening. My head is too loud. My thoughts are too loud. My guilt is too loud. My fear is too loud. I can’t sleep. I wake every hour from the nightmares. For years. Years and years without one night of peaceful sleep. I drag through the days, trying to smile and laugh. And I am happy, don’t get me wrong. My husband makes me happy. But the insides of me never rest, you see, and they never let me forget where I came from.

I am tired. So tired. And I am at a loss, as to how to end this invisible war.

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23 thoughts on “The Invisible War

  1. How unfair and exhausting. I don’t mean to sound… Something… But have you tried mindfulness exercises or meditation? It might help offer some relief.

  2. This is exactly what I’ve been thinking and feeling lately. The invisible war is exactly what it is. I think I may stop fighting for awhile, when the thoughts and feelings tell me you sound like an idiot I’m going to think it’s ok if I’m the idiot girl or if you try to hangout with them they’ll just screw u over or leave u I’m going to say then I will enjoy the time we had together. They always beat the crap out of me so I’m going to fight their hate with love. It’s kind of like an experiment (an EXTREMELY painful one) but I’ll let u know how it goes.

    I understand the tiredness…so much

    • Yes, let me know how it goes. I have been trying to talk myself through things like that lately. Things like, “I will make sure you are safe,” or even “I love you.” Yes, I say it to myself. It does help sometimes. Really. Because I really believe that since the pain is inside, we have to fix it from the inside. And it takes love. That “little us” just needs love.

  3. Wow, you describe how I’ve been feeling much of this summer. I am so sorry for you, but love this post because I can really relate. Great post.

  4. This is amazing… NOT that you feel this way but that you are able to say what I can’t. I feel for you… you say, “Actually, the depressing thing is that I know I can take it… I just wish I didn’t have to.” I soooo know exactly what you mean. Its exhausting.. but something keeps me/us/you going…. Good for you for fighting it! I wish I could make it easier because I understand the fight. But, dont give it up! At the risk of really screwimg this comment up, maybe we aren’t ever going to end it… maybe we can learn to accept that it is there somehow… take power away from it somehow? I don’t know. Gees, it sucks.

    • You are right, about us having to learn to accept it. An old therapist used to tell me that the pain was like the ‘child us’ and if we kept trying to discard him/her, things would keep getting worse. I don’t know … something, sometime, will get this moving along.

  5. I very well could have put these words on paper. I’m feeling “it” in the pit of my stomach now. I was just on my way to write about it. It’s amazing isn’t it? How we torture ourselves. Because, I can write to you forget,forgive,move on , don’t anticipate. Blah, blah, blah…. yet.. Looking at myself in the mirror, the feelings and thoughts are the same. Thanks for sharing!
    Be well,

  6. I feel your struggle. Anxiety/mental illness is a real war, fought daily, in our souls and minds. People who have never been through it will never get it, no matter how much they try to. You are in my thoughts.

  7. I’ve been away, so only just seen your post. I just wanted you to know that I am glad that you are so strong. Strong enough to voice what so many of us feel, but can never adequately describe. It is so hard trying to explain mental illness that it makes it easier to just internalise everything. I can relate to everything in this post, and lots of other things you have written. There have been days that I read your post and it makes me cry, because that is how I’m feeling or have felt. There have also been days when I have read your beautifully put words, and found comfort that someone knows how I am feeling – even though I wish neither of us did. The only thing any of us can do is take things day by day, otherwise the anxiety, stress, paranoia and a whole host of other symptoms would completely take over our lives. But each day we carry on is a victory for ourselves, and the scars we carry to get us there are a tribute to our courage, certainly not something that we should be ashamed of. So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for having the strength to write these posts. God bless.

  8. This is me. This, right here, is why I’ve decided to start writing what is going on so loudly in my head, because saying it out loud, makes absolutely no sense to anyone close to me.

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