Fix Me, Dr.

I started counseling again yesterday. I don’t know what I expect to gain here, as my insurance only covers 12 sessions, but I knew that I needed to try. She told me that she wanted me to write down some goals that I have for this counseling thing, and to bring them next week. Goals?

Why I want you to fix me, ma’am! I want you to unwrap me from this defective package and give me a new one. I want to shine! I want to be cured! Those are my goals, can you do that?

Problem is, I’m pretty sure she won’t/can’t do that. She wants me to write things down like “I want to be less anxious,” or “I want to learn how to cope with my sadness in more productive ways.” You know, obtainable goals. Things she can actually try to help me with.

But I can’t do it. I don’t want to “be less anxious.” I want to not have days like yesterday, where the world punches me in the face with fear and I twist and turn with anger and helplessness and I am no longer in control and I cry out and I push my husband and I know he is cheating on me and I know the boogeyman is coming to get me and and and I’m too fucking crazy to live, so kill me.

Yeah, I want less of those.

I don’t need to “learn how to cope with my sadness more productively.” I need to NOT BE SAD all the fucking time. I need to be able to let myself be happy because I can’t do that, I can’t let myself be happy.

And I don’t want pills. I realize that medication is the best thing for certain people, and I myself have been on a pharmacy’s worth. But I don’t want pills. I need to be clear, be thinking. I need to be free to do this on my own. And maybe that’s stubborn, maybe that will be my downfall. But I have to believe that I can do this without more pills, because the pills never fixed me before.

So I guess, for now, I’ll just sit in my corner and try to think up how to tell my new therapist that my goals won’t be like everyone else’s. They won’t be easy, I don’t want easy. I would honestly just prefer to be gutted and replaced. Sometimes I feel like the mountain is too damn high to climb, and other times I feel like I don’t even have legs, and the climb would be impossible. If that is true, then what the hell am I still fighting for?

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32 thoughts on “Fix Me, Dr.

  1. Thank you so much for posting this! I am going through the same thing and feel the same way! It’s comforting knowing that I am not alone. ❤

  2. Thank GOD! Your genuine voice is refreshing and admirable. I hear the fuck out of this entire post, sister! Unbelievably so…. be grateful you have spirit, soul, and more strength than you give yourself credit for. Who else isn’t afraid to bare their soul? Ummm.. about three other people. Your image of happiness is phony, made up by phony people who are miserable as shit but would rather pretend.

    GOOD work for yourself, and the mental health community.

    Email me and we’ll chat sometime. 🙂

  3. Get to the “why’s”. It seems like you know happiness but don’t allow yourself to feel it. Find out why and if you already know, start there. Do something to those “whys”. Release them (because you have the power, this is YOUR life now). Define and own your life. Be the boss of what gets to come in or not. Anyone that reads your blog should know that you sincerely deserve much happiness in this world. It is there for you. Take it. Big (((hugs)))

  4. Thank you for posting this. Your writing is so down to earth. It’s so human. Too many sugar coat their emotions. This post is raw and honest.

  5. I think its brave of you to do it without pills. Pills can make you so numb and nothing ever gets dealt with, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking them though they’re a life saver for some people.

    Sometimes it feels like the therapist is holding up a cutesy little band aid to help you and its like whuuut I’m bleeding out of every pore in my body, how is that band aid going to help me.

  6. The hardest thing is knowing it will never go away completely. What helps is knowing your emotions-even though it may not feel this way now-are fleeting and you will be happy again. It’s just tough to deal with the dark shit. I know, I’ve been there. The ACT model and meditation really helped me. It sounds like you are strong though, willing to fight, and that strength includes what you’re feeling now. I wish you the best of luck.

  7. I think the fact that you’re even willing to try is amazing. And you never know, sometimes therapists are able to make a case to insurance companies to cover more sessions when people are toward the end of their allotted sessions but clearly would benefit from more. Hoping for the best for you!

  8. I can hear your frustration and anger – use that energy to fuel your journey. I understand wanting to be pill free, I went through the same thing a few years ago. Pills never fixed the deep down torture I had in side me. Give therapy time to work. Don’t worry about how many hours you get, just get it started. Knowing I have a place where I can speak honestly has been so good for me. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for over a decade. It is hard work. You will feel like you have been put through the wringer and turned inside out and like it is all pointless. But then one day, you process one key piece of something, and it begins to click, and that wee bit of hope you have to feel better someday gets a wee bit stronger. Allow yourself recovery time after therapy, be good to yourself, it is hard work, but I know you can do it. You have the strength and the desire.

  9. I could be in your shoes. I choose not to. I replace all negative feelings with positive ones and those thoughts also with positive ones. It does take a minute but it works. The self training is the only key. No one can tell you do it except yourself. When you stop with past disappointments and future anxiousness you will concentrate on how you feel now. Do you want to feel good for things that happened yesterday that made you feel bad? You can’t !! Do you want to feel good for things that will happen tomorrow? You can’t ! Can you feel good about TODAY? Yes You Can !! Yesterday is GONE !! Forgive and forget it !! Tomorrow is a surprise ! Concentrate on today and LIVE for tomorrow ! I wished at times I could just quit, stop, run or even DIE
    , but I thought what would, where would, how would….. I had no answer for myself except escape is in my thoughts and my heart and those I know that LOVE me!! You can’t be found by your husband or any other that LOVES you unless you find the LOVE of yourself ! I know you are a beautiful person and you should tell yourself that everyday ! I know because LOVE told me so ! You know who Love is !
    P.S. I LOVE YOU !

  10. “Goals? Why I want you to fix me ma’am. I want to be cured.” Yep, I hear you. “I need to not be sad all the time.” Mmmh yep again. Now if my former therapist could throw in a rainbow, a few unicorns and a shit load of glitter I would go back too. But seriously, good luck with the counseling. Got my fingers crossed for you.

  11. “There are so many people out there that will tell you that you can’t. What you gotta go it turn around and say ‘Watch Me!!!!'”
    -Unknown

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