Panic Attack

It starts with a tingle, a slight burn in my stomach, and twinge of confusion in my head. And I know that the panic is going to surface, and I know that I am going to lose all fucking control, and I know that I cannot stop it. So I brace myself. I hold on for dear life and hope that this time I won’t cut myself or try to kill myself or hit or throw things or yell or scream. I hope that this time, I will just curl into a ball and take the beating silently.

I can’t breath. I can’t breathe. One cannot live without breathing, and I cannot breathe.

I desperately pull at my hair, pick at my skin. The tears come, the silent screams, I am bawling now. I say “I can’t do this again,” like I am a prisoner about to be tortured once more.

“Try your anxiety management techniques,” my shrink says.

This is too far past that. I lose all control. I become an insane person, I lose touch with all parts of my sanity. This is not on the same planet as manageable anxiety.

So I go to the doctor. And I bawl on the table, making my husband do most of the talking. I don’t ever stand up for myself, but at this point, I need her help. I never ask for medication, in fact, I told my counselor that I didn’t want nor need it. But things have changed.

“I need something to help me,” I cry.

“Are you going to hurt yourself or someone else? Are you thinking of suicide?”

Am I going to tell her? “Well…” I start, not sure how much to divulge, “When it gets really bad, sometimes I think about, maybe, possibly, doing something … but I mean, I don’t want to.”

“Well, it looks like there isn’t anything I can give you that would be of use to you. Try a crisis clinic if things get bad.”

And I look at her. And a million shards of glass pierce my heart. That is the problem here with society.

This post made a lot more sense when I was writing it in my head, on the drive home. I was supposed to go to the dentist today, but instead I was falling  apart in the car and had to cancel. I’m just tired. I’m tired.

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20 thoughts on “Panic Attack

  1. How long have you had this doctor? Do you do talk therapy with her?

    I feel your pain. I’ve been there; it is Hell. Focus on some soothing music, call someone that you can talk to openly, and keep writing. My thoughts are with you. Take breaths, a long walk, if possible. Do something healthy, just for you. Baby steps. Sometimes we move a step ahead, sometimes a step back. Don’t give up, and remember the crisis center’s number.

  2. I am crying as I read it…it feels so freaking bad, so scary and so painful…yet it is inevitable and all you can do is hope that this shitty panick attack will go away… and it does, you are writing this so it left you…yes…it tore you apart…but it left you alive.
    Please stay strong. I will remember you when it hits me next time…

  3. Hi, I was curious to know about how your breathing is? That connecting to your diet. what I mean is that some foods or types of foods can act as a trigger to bring on anxiety which may effect your breathing.
    Dairy products caffeine and alcohol might seem obvious but mixing these things into your system might create a negative to your body. only as a suggestion try slow deep breathing through your nose. slowly. inhale and count to 1 exhale again and count to 2 exhale 2

    the other thing that struck me was the title of your blog. it may not be totally serious a name but Lunatic does negates you. There’s that quote..by.. can’t remember..it goes ‘If you label me you negate me’.. Soren Kierkegaard. googled it.

    I mention this only that if you label yourself this it sends maybe a kind of mixed message that it’s ok to negate you.

    As far as I see it you’re not a Lunatic at all.

    Small steps!

    best wishes
    Baz

    • Baz, this sweet soul is far from being a lunatic, but she feels like one as she uses the word as a way of describing her feelings. May we hope she separates her words from her being. She’s a beautiful soul trapped by her minds betrayal.

      Thanks for pointing out how we can fall victim to labeling ourselves. It took me forever to understand the power of my own mindset.

      I love yoga. The simple act of breathing, through something, does alter ones thinking.

  4. I am tired too. It’s so hard sometimes to carry on. It is a bunch of bullshit your doctor couldn’t truly see your pain and offer assistance. I am sad you have to go through this and cry for help and given no answer. We all love you. Please keep going even though it hurts. I believe in you!!

  5. This is heart breaking 😦
    Maybe you shld find yourself another doctor. Back when I worked as a correctional officer, I suffered from them but never to this extreme. I hope you can find some relief soon. Gentle hugs to you.

  6. What a f*cking annoying reaction. What? You need to be suicidal in order to be worthy of some relief? There’s no pain until that point? That woman sounds infuriating, and her attitude is a big problem of society and pharmaceuticals. I don’t think you should stop seeking help. Just keep looking until you find someone right for you.

  7. I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I hope your husband will continue to be your advocate and keep on looking for the help you need. About 20 years ago I was suffering like you. There’s one word that describes it: “hell”. I hit total rock bottom, and then the climb out was long, hard, and slow……but I made it. With proper help, you will, too. That tired feeling is …. well, it’s awful to be soooooo tired with life. You’re bigger than these panic attacks. Much stronger. Much, much stronger. Say it a million times if you have to, and then a million times more. And, then…… L E T G O. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go……….it’s the only way, Loony. We have to take the final step, and that’s to let go of all of the past pain.

  8. It is so strange that with all the medications out there they so willing want to prescribe, that this doctor didn’t know of one to offer you. I admire you for wanting to deal with this without medication but sometimes everything you muster up is still not enough. Try another doctor?! You deserve SO much more. ((hugs))

  9. I feel your pain. I also have panic attacks and they are awful. I have even taken myself to urgent care before to prove, without a doubt, that I was not dying. After taking a xanax and using every coping skill I had, I was still unable to come down on my own. ((((HUGS)))

  10. If I may comment. I understand your pain and fear. I had really severe panic attacks due to C-PTSD from child sexual abuse. I got into therapy and still take a medication to help. I did come to realize that the panic is but a feeling and a feeling cannot kill you. Now I know that is easier said than done as it took me years to learn how to rationalize that thought. The main thing you must know is you are loved and not alone. My wife helped me out tremendously and was always there for me. I hope you also have a good support system. Hang in there and be at peace. God Bless You 🙂

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