Sometimes, I miss the cigarettes. I miss the booze. I miss the blade over my skin. Mostly, I miss the avoidance. I could wrap all of my unsettling feelings up with a nice little bow, and pretend they didn’t exist.

I am not blind. I see this world around me, and it is everything I ever dreamed of, prayed for. I have the husband that loves me, a beautiful home, the freedom to do what I choose, security. If I were anybody else, I would be perfectly content with this.
But I am not anybody else, I am me.

I just cannot seem to grasp it, the peace. I feel like I am floating around this place, watching life unfold, unable to anchor down. There is always fear of losing it all.

The thing is, they seem to have won. All of the hurtful, mean, hate-filled assholes that ever said or did anything to me, seem to have won. Their words and their actions carved holes into me that just cannot heal. I hear their words everyday; I see their actions every night; I put my head down when I walk, knowing in the back of my mind that everyone is laughing at me.

I cannot release or detach myself from the daggers they have thrown. My self worth? It is barely existent. I try, oh how I try, to build up some belief in myself. To see something beautiful in the mirror, to find courage and conviction in even one of my beliefs. But it always comes back to them.

There was never much about me that appealed to anyone. I was strange. Weird. Different. An outcast. Ugly. Fat. Too loud. Too quiet. Annoying. Slutty. Selfish. Too selfless. Unstable. Crazy. Some people would try to tell me that they loved me, warts and all … but even that stung. Because I thought that those “warts” were supposed to be the things that made me, me .. and should have been the most cherished parts.

It was only two years ago that I met my husband and finally had the chance to just … rest. I could stop running. I could just sit and contemplate. Or avoid. Or dig. Just put everything in perspective and take a giant break from the life that had taken everything out of me. Two years is not a long time, and it has not been nearly enough to silence those voices. It will take more time, and more time after that.

So many nights I hope that I can find that little girl inside, and tell her that none of that stuff was true. But the day brings the old habits back, and I will apologize for everything … feel guilty for anything. Those people wounded me … will I ever heal?


13 thoughts on “Healing

  1. I understand this sensation you are having. In my world, some days are better than others. And I do notice that the safer my world becomes, the more I am able to feel calm and hold a healthy perspective in that the people who did the hurting are damaged, not me. The more time that passes, the more this rings true for me. Their hurting of me was only a reflection of themselves, nothing to do with me. I know words are trite and can often be of no help whatsoever but I hope you know you are not alone. Baby steps is how I survive, little inches at a time, a day, a morning, a night, a good sleep… it all factors in and I somehow feel less and less hurt the further away I am mentally from all those with ill intentions toward me. Hugs to you.

  2. You will heal…because that is the journey you are on.
    The people that hurt you have no place in your world now. Don’t let them continue to cause you pain. Help the little girl heal. Keep telling her she is amazing….because she is.
    Love and ((((hugs))))


  3. Although we have never met, there is one thing I know for certain. NO CHILD, regardless of how different, how annoying or how weird they might be, is deserving of the hurtful, heinous crimes thrust upon you. Period, full stop.

    You are beautiful, you are unique & you are loved. I yearn for the day when you are able to shed the dark voices of yesterdays, leaving them to no longer stop you from discovering the amazing person you are. Please keep fighting to heal & know that there are those of us out here in the blogosphere who care what happens to you.

  4. You are more than halfway home. You came to tell us of your insecurities. By allowing the strangers into your world, you are standing up and refusing to be silent anymore. I celebrate you and commend you. You deserve to love and accept yourself, flawed, disconnected and fully aware that all is not serene. Sweetie, you’re self worth is not measured by others, it comes from within. By learning to accept your insecurities you learn to accept those of others. We are all flawed. We all deserve to forgive ourselves.

  5. There is always the “fear of losing it all.” Everyone…well, non-sociopaths have all these same feelings. It’s going to be okay. You have been able to overcome all of these other things, and this anxiety is another one of those things. Will it be the last one? Nah, probably not, but that’s the human experience. I don’t want to tell you what to do, because, again, everyone’s experience is unique. I would like to offer advice: These negative thoughts don’t matter. Not that they aren’t having an impact, but something that helped me was to be told that these nihilistic thoughts hold no more weight or importance than that lingering thought that I may have missed that piece of chocolate in the refrigerator that I was hoping would appear on the fifth visit.
    If you’re strong enough to ditch the cigarettes, the booze and the, cutting, you’re damn sure strong enough to bypass the mental flagellation. Best of luck in that. You’re not alone, your spouse can help.

  6. That was a great post. I understand how you are feeling. I feel the same daily. You put it much more eloquently than I ever could.

  7. I heard this saying years ago “they’re only at peace when they’re at war” and it always stuck out in my mind. Maybe you were attacked so much it became normal so you’re still looking around corners waiting for it. You need a new normal but I know that’s simplifying it and making it seem like its an easy fix when its not.

  8. There are excellent comments here and I’m not sure I have anything else to add but maybe this: it seems to me that part of healing must include forgiveness. Part of being able to find that new normal and feeling good about yourself is to forgive those who hurt you – forgive them for being mean, for hurting you in the various ways, for being assholes, for putting you down so they could build themselves up, for not being bothered to understand or try to understand you, etc. That’s much easier said than done…I know…so just know I don’t say that lightly because I, too, have to figure out how to forgive people and haven’t determined how to do that. I really do believe, however, that’s the first step because when you forgive them, you allow yourself to know they were wrong about you…which means you ARE worthy, you ARE a good person, you ARE beautiful, you DESERVE happiness, etc. Once you realize they were wrong, that gives you license to know you are RIGHT. once you know you’re right, then it becomes easier to let the positive voice in and gain strength. I dunno…maybe I’m totally off base with all of that mumbo jumbo lol..but then again, maybe it has at least a nugget of truth. Personally, it sure seems like you’re making more progress than you give yourself credit and why it’s a good thing there are lots of people here who can provide that outside positive voice you need to hear. Maybe it’s worth physically writing down the positive comments you get from you blog and posting them around the house/apartment so you can literally see how many people DO believe in your and have positive things to say about you. Sometimes a physical representation can be very helpful in knocking down negative self-talk. Again, my thoughts on this may be juvenile and trite but if they help in anyway, then great! You’re right – you will need more time but you are still making progress and yes…you will heal…you’re already starting to heal it may just not seem like it.


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