reintroduction.

Let me reintroduce myself.

I was scared. But now I am not. I have found a courage that can only be obtained by doing the deep dark scary things I put off for years. I do not fear you anymore. I fear no one. I stand tall, with conviction, with confidence. I no longer hide under the sheets at night, worried about seeing your face late at night in my dreams.
I was scared. But now I am not.

I  was quiet. But now I am not. You stole my voice once. Twice. Over the years. I learned to keep my mouth shut, to hide my secrets. Our secrets. To pile them up in our special secret closet, locked up tight. Well I ripped it open. I exposed those skeletons. I have ripped apart the veil. I will not allow your secrets to continue to abuse her. To abuse me. To abuse anyone. I speak. I yell. I scream. Even my silence is deafening.
I was quiet. But now I am not.

I am completely devoted now. Unconditionally. Doing the right thing. I can fight without weapons, because I need none. I am standing now, not hunching over in the corner. I know my worth. I know my worth. Yes, I finally know my worth. And I know hers. Hers is an honor to know, one that you never deserved. I will watch her cry and curl over in pain as we take steps everyday to clean up the mess you left. She is finally going to have a future. Because I  love her enough, and I respect her enough, to help give that to her. She has a mind of her own. One that I value. One that you tried to silence.

I reintroduce myself because I know you will read this. I know that you are using this to your advantage at the moment, to earn pity for the heartless things your children are doing. Using all of your effort to deny your responsibility; your part in this. But I also know that you are scared. You know that these lies and neglects and abuses are catching up with you. Yes, deep down you fear us just as we once feared you.

The light is a beautiful place to be, and that is where I am standing. I have changed. It wasn’t easy. It took 27 years. But now, I can walk through the fire. The truth sets you free, and my shackles have come off. I do not hate you anymore, for I do not care enough about you. I am surrounded by the most beautiful, pure, love. I awaken each morning knowing that we will each do the right thing by one another. We have a future full of laughter and happiness and health.

Yes, I have finally reached it. The top of this cursed mountain I have been climbing for almost 30 damn years. I see now that perfection is an illusion. I see now that a cure is a lie. I see now that the point of it all was just to confront the demons; stare them in the face and expose their true faces. This is it.

This is me now. The me that chose to change. The me that knew I could do better. Be better. Demand better.
Nice to meet you.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “reintroduction.

  1. You have worked so hard for this level of acceptance — of yourself, the things that you experienced, and the things that can’t be undone. It’s only fitting that as your “self” has come into focus, his influence has become a blur.

    Keep strong. Keep yourself.

  2. ” I see now that perfection is an illusion. I see now that a cure is a lie. I see now that the point of it all was just to confront the demons; stare them in the face and expose their true faces. This is it.”

    I need to remember this, it’s so true. Thank you for being strong on your journey, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve drawn strength from you.

  3. The thoughts in this piece are so inspirational and empowering. Th w writing is very good too. Nice job 🙂
    Stay strong dear.

  4. Like yourself, I am coming to understand that “perfection is an illusion” and “that a cure is a lie.” This is a very valuable insight and I am so glad you shared it here. For so many years, I have been fleeing the darkness, recoiling in horror at it all, desperately waiting to be delivered, hoping to throw it off forever, to finally be whole and healed. I wanted absolution, I wanted freedom. I didn’t want to look into the void. Fleeing from the pain doesn’t seem to be the answer. As you have so beautifully expressed, it seems healing can only occur when we boldly confront our traumas and stare down our tormentors. I really admire your strength and conviction. While I may always carry that ache, I can change my relationship to it. Great post and thanks for sharing.

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