Sometimes its so hard for me to see beauty. I feel so blackened, so burnt. Pieces of my skin fall off, and I leave my ashy mark on every path I step foot on. The public bathrooms are my sanctuary; I lift my feet up above the door, and I curl up, and I wait to be alone. I don’t want this world to spin anymore. Why won’t it slow down? Why is everyone out to hurt me? I want to look around and see good people; to allow myself to believe that their smiles aren’t fake. I want to breathe in kindness, authenticity, loyalty. I want to see beauty in the eyes of these ugly people, whose shadows give their burdened hearts away.
But how? How do you go from being so abused, so hurt, so beaten down, to seeing any good in people? In the world? I feel like I am still that little girl, hiding in the closet, holding in my pee, trying not to wake anyone up. If I make no noise, the boogeyman won’t come. I wanted to love; I wanted to BE loved. I craved a love so pure, it could fly off into the heavens. But everywhere I turned, I saw eyes turning red. I heard words that held no meaning. I held hands that squeezed too hard, or not enough. The safe goodnight kisses were filled with rage, with danger. Lies. Deceit. Painful touch.
People are still the man that held me down; the pills that drowned me in the tub. The world is still the empty promises of unconditional love, and the bitter cold piercing my cheeks. Love is still the blood pouring from my wrists. Music is still the death I sought. Everything is a memory of the darkness. I feel it in my head, I feel it in my body. I recoil.
I am still that little girl that dreams of flying away. I close my eyes and I drift out of the pain, the wrongful touch. I feel the wind in my hair, and I know that I am high enough for no one to reach me. I am free in that moment. But it never lasted, it never lasts. I am always pulled down.
How do you keep your humanity in a world that hurts? Keep rising out of bed, when you don’t know how to stand? Still have hope for the future, with a past full of hate?
I don’t know … I guess, you just … do. You make a choice. You keep going. You keep passing a million demons, until you find the one angel. You keep falling down the rabbit hole until you find a twig to grab on to. You find a pocket of air under the water. And you wait. You wait forever. And you wait some more. Because maybe there is something out there. Something bigger than all of this mess.
Peace? Healing? Forgiveness?
I have no idea. I have very little faith in it.
But I’ve come this far, so I’ll wait a little longer.
Maybe even as long as it takes.
Because I built the wings on the way down, and I found the love that lets me fly.
Maybe even someday, I’ll reach the heavens.
And those are reason enough for me to hold on.