1.

I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.

It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear.

Last night, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I have just started counseling. I was going to be alone today, while two men cleaned our vents. I drank a bottle of cough syrup, and I didn’t understand why.

… you. You are why.

The gates are opening. I am the little girl again. I am feeling all of the sensations. And now I know why I have done what I have done in my life. The failures, the drugs, the drinking, the pain, the anguish, the lies, the cheating, it was all to run away from you. As long as I kept fucking up, the attention would stay on that instead of what you did to me.

I made a choice to start counseling again. And I knew that this was probably going to happen … but I also didn’t know how it was going to feel. The fear, the trembling, the running to the bottle of cough syrup … I have to believe it now. I have to say that you

.

..

….

you did something very bad to me as a little girl. A lonely girl. A sad girl.

I guess right now, that’s all I can really say.

I guess this is the beginning.

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7 thoughts on “1.

  1. Erica, You’re so much braver than you know. I don’t know if you believe in prayer or not, but every day I pray for you to find peace — I pray that you will find that inner self that is so brave and so beautiful and so strong. New beginnings are needed to begin the journey……..

  2. It’s your old friend. Just thinking about you and wondering where you are now. Maybe a program would help? I started one in October and it’s a world of difference. I was just writing about you… Send me an email if you’d like. If not, I understand also…

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