The (not so) Pretty Truth

* This post was written by me in 2013, but the original host site it was posted on does not exist anymore, so I am re-posting it here. Fun fact, this post is how my husband found me, by reading these exact words and connecting to everything I had to say. 5 years married now, because of such a random twist of fate. A lot has happened since writing this, including clarity that I was still very very mentally unwell. Things did not start turning around until I cut my family out of my life two years ago. It is the decision that has saved my life.

I am also disabling likes & comments. This just needs to be here, left alone.

Continue reading

Running From You

I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.

It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear. Continue reading

One Day, Maybe I Will Fly

Sometimes its so hard for me to see beauty. I feel so blackened, so burnt. Pieces of my skin fall off, and I leave my ashy mark on every path I step foot on. The public bathrooms are my sanctuary; I lift my feet up above the door, and I curl up, and I wait to be alone. I don’t want this world to spin anymore. Why won’t it slow down? Why is everyone out to hurt me? I want to look around and see good people; to allow myself to believe that their smiles aren’t fake. I want to breathe in kindness, authenticity, loyalty. I want to see beauty in the eyes of these ugly people, whose shadows give their burdened hearts away. Continue reading

Hi Phil

ade8cedd68afa7c4f0c78a43bc1e7e7b

My skin still burns. The pain feels current, even though the waves of the abuse have long since washed away. Why do I still feel you? Why do I still see you? Your touch leaves a residue; a grime that I cannot scrub off. Your prescence is hiding in my closest, under my bed, next to me while I sleep. I feel your eyes on me when I stand naked in the shower, when I cry alone on the floor.

You are not gone yet. Continue reading

Win or Lose, Mom?

873f2673666d56437d4556569e45ca01

 

Look at me. Look me in the fucking eyes. I am here. I am human. I am equal to you.
Look at me.

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Or the silent thoughts. The grudges. The venom. The lies. The truths.
Listen to me, hear me. Continue reading

Broken, Healing

There are pieces of me strewn along the office floor. There are parts of me hiding in the drawers of the guest room. Pieces of me hiding under my bed, thrown into the closets, sleeping under my pillow. Each pile of things represents a different part of me, of my life. They are unorganized and unmindful. They are sad and mean. They are kind and empathetic. They are reaching out to be held. Continue reading

Trigger

black-and-gray-gun-photography-smile-troll-Favim.com-298809

All it takes is a click
A flash
A voice
A smell
Passing someone that looks familiar
or passing the one that actually did it
or getting into a car with the same seats as before
or hearing a name Continue reading