I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.
It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear.
Last night, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I have just started counseling. I was going to be alone today, while two men cleaned our vents. I drank a bottle of cough syrup, and I didn’t understand why.
… you. You are why.
The gates are opening. I am the little girl again. I am feeling all of the sensations. And now I know why I have done what I have done in my life. The failures, the drugs, the drinking, the pain, the anguish, the lies, the cheating, it was all to run away from you. As long as I kept fucking up, the attention would stay on that instead of what you did to me.
I made a choice to start counseling again. And I knew that this was probably going to happen … but I also didn’t know how it was going to feel. The fear, the trembling, the running to the bottle of cough syrup … I have to believe it now. I have to say that you
you did something very bad to me as a little girl. A lonely girl. A sad girl.
I guess right now, that’s all I can really say.
I guess this is the beginning.