I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.

It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear.

Last night, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I have just started counseling. I was going to be alone today, while two men cleaned our vents. I drank a bottle of cough syrup, and I didn’t understand why.

… you. You are why.

The gates are opening. I am the little girl again. I am feeling all of the sensations. And now I know why I have done what I have done in my life. The failures, the drugs, the drinking, the pain, the anguish, the lies, the cheating, it was all to run away from you. As long as I kept fucking up, the attention would stay on that instead of what you did to me.

I made a choice to start counseling again. And I knew that this was probably going to happen … but I also didn’t know how it was going to feel. The fear, the trembling, the running to the bottle of cough syrup … I have to believe it now. I have to say that you




you did something very bad to me as a little girl. A lonely girl. A sad girl.

I guess right now, that’s all I can really say.

I guess this is the beginning.


Memories of Brush Trail

In the mornings, I would hear my grandmother brewing her coffee. The fog had settled close to the grass, and the dew kissed our windows with a sort of plea; the warmth we carried inside was worthy of lust, I … Continue reading

Little Liar

I remember sitting in math class, in the seventh grade, wearing fake reading glasses that I thought would make me cool. I remember a boy named Nick asking me what my vision was. Well shit, I thought, This is awkward. … Continue reading

Earth Day, Schmearth Day: A Photo-Story of Loony’s Childhood

I guess we should get it out of the way now that I’m a damn hippie. I walk barefoot, rarely wear bras, and speak to trees. No seriously, I talk to them. This is why I sort of despise Earth … Continue reading