I Cannot Save Her, Only Myself

Why aren’t things different? Better? Fixed? Why is it that when the rain starts, I am still falling down into the dark pits of past trauma? I don’t understand it, why I am still tormented so. I can still remember, physically, the touches that I did not agree to; the fear of making a sound; the emptiness. Continue reading

Hi Phil

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My skin still burns. The pain feels current, even though the waves of the abuse have long since washed away. Why do I still feel you? Why do I still see you? Your touch leaves a residue; a grime that I cannot scrub off. Your prescence is hiding in my closest, under my bed, next to me while I sleep. I feel your eyes on me when I stand naked in the shower, when I cry alone on the floor.

You are not gone yet. Continue reading

Win or Lose, Mom?

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Look at me. Look me in the fucking eyes. I am here. I am human. I am equal to you.
Look at me.

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Or the silent thoughts. The grudges. The venom. The lies. The truths.
Listen to me, hear me. Continue reading

Broken, Healing

There are pieces of me strewn along the office floor. There are parts of me hiding in the drawers of the guest room. Pieces of me hiding under my bed, thrown into the closets, sleeping under my pillow. Each pile of things represents a different part of me, of my life. They are unorganized and unmindful. They are sad and mean. They are kind and empathetic. They are reaching out to be held. Continue reading

Hands on Fire

I remember the ice, how it soothed her. She dipped her feet and hands into the frosty water, filled to the brim with pieces of frozen cubes, for it was the only relief she could find. The shaking and fever … Continue reading

What My Eyes Will Never Unsee

I remember thinking, “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,”
and then you decide to prove me wrong
over and over again.
You one-up yourself,
and instead of relief,
you get thrown new horror every single day,
that is worst than the last. Continue reading

Oh, Dear Little Sis

Your eyes burn my skin
they pierce my eyes, my soul,
as they plead for help that I cannot give

Why did you have to end up here, once again?
On that bed, on that stretcher,
hooked up to fifty IV’s that do nothing but remind us all
that you are one in a million. Continue reading

The [open] Letter to my Father that he will never read

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Dad,

Yesterday, I decided to find you.

I tried, I tried so very hard, to not need anything from you. I tried to convince myself that I could move on without you; that I could carry on with my life somehow, without ever getting an apology. I gave it my all, I swear I did. I sweat and bled and broke, Continue reading

I’m The Black Sheep That Moo’s, Get Over It

One thing I want to do this year is shed some metaphorical weight; get rid of some of that baggage that I carry around with me on my shoulders. What is it there for? What purpose it is serving, other … Continue reading