dearest alex – why i love you

It is amazing to me, to think of the way my life has changed in such a short amount of time. Just last month, I thought I had my direction all figured out. I was dating here and there, only allowing casual flings into my life; I had a new job, old friends; I had school plans that didn’t excite me, and a life that did not fulfill me. I had a plan in place to end my life in a year because I had one last ditch effort in me to see if anything would change. I knew nothing more, so how could I possibly have known what I was missing?

Then, you come into my life. It was such a random coincidence that I did not think much of it at first. A boy read a post of mine, boy likes it, boy feels the need to contact me. I had seen it before, nothing new.

But the way you bared your soul to me in the emails; I could not resist becoming your friend. I was drawn to you, it must remain unexplained. I just knew that I needed to have you in my life, because we already knew everything about each other. I have felt connections with plenty of people in my life, but this, this was beyond any of that. It was on a completely different level; the magnetism so strong, there was no way to pull away.

When you convinced me to meet you, I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea who you really were; you could be anyone. Then I walk out of the store and see you standing over there. And I walk toward you, and I see those eyes of yours. Your mom’s eyes. I am hypnotized and lost in a sea of entrancement. I tell you to hug me; we hug. The rest of the day was beautiful. The way that you speak, the intelligence that seeps from your pores, the awareness and the openness of emotion, the slight nerve in your voice, that smile, the way I would catch you staring at me. I wanted to kiss you that instant, in the beginning, but I waited. Atop that hill though, I could not resist. I had to feel our skin together; my sense of touch is the one that I trust most, and I needed to know if you were as electrifying as you seemed.

You were.
Of course you were.

Now here we are, a month later. How could I try and explain to people what we have? There is no way. No way. So instead, I will tell you why I love you.

You kiss the top of my head, constantly.
You always want to hold my hand.
You make me sandwiches at two in the morning,
even though I am extremely cranky.
You make me smile and laugh more than I have in a very long time,
if ever.
You have got to be the most giving person that I have ever met,
even to a fault.
You draw me bubble baths.
You rub my back.
You rub my feet.
You hold me.
You carry me.
You are the first thing I feel in the morning;
the soft peck on my cheek or the hand tracing my back.
You introduce me to so many new things.
You walk me around the city,
with light in your eyes.
You share yourself with me,
the deep
the dark.
You do this smile thing,
where you instantly take it away,
and nothing amuses me more.
You were the most adorable little boy,
and I see him often in everything that you do.
You tell me its an honor being with me,
and that you cannot live without me.
You tell me bedtime stories,
which now you see,
I love and need.
You never tell me I am doing something wrong,
even when I know I am.
Instead, you work with me,
and just tell me you want me no other way.
You are wonderful with my family.
Your fucked up sense of humor matches mine.
You still dream.
You still have hope.
You say things I have secretly been wishing to hear all of my life.
Your laugh.
Your body.
Your voice.
Your Pop-tart collection.
The pout face that you make.
How you call me ‘bossy,’
when you are just as bossy as I am.

You beg me to see how ‘fucked up’ you are,
you tell me stories
and urge me to believe that you are a bad person
who has let everyone down
who has failed
and so I listen
and poke
and ask
trying to find out what it is you hate yourself for
and I find nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
You were a child.
You were a human.
You have failed no one.
No one.
No one.
You think you have been beaten,
but I know you now,
and you haven’t.

It took 25 years of repeated defeat for me, to earn you. I still don’t deserve you … but I cannot let you go. I could list reasons all day, of why I love you … but it is impossible. For now, I will just sit on your lap, wrap my arms around your neck, kiss your face, and try to let you feel why I love you.