how to trust

*originally posted august 2013

I used to believe that my ability to trust, solely depended on other people.
They must earn it
They must keep it
They must slave, for years upon years, putting the work in
They must prove to me that I could drop my walls and still remain safe.

I used to believe that my ability to trust
had everything to do
with everyone else.

And so,
I lived out that belief.
I relied on everyone else
to cleanse me.
I had people,
both good and bad,
build me beautiful castles full of promises
that I could trust them
that I could let them in
that I could depend on them to
never hurt me.

And one by one
they all let me down.
I could never trust them
I could never let them in
I could never depend on them.

they all hurt me
hadn’t I been counting on that anyway?

I lived my life
completely closed off.
I lived my life
prepared for the worst
and never hoping
for the best.

I was cold
and I was distant
and I was in constant pain.
It is exhausting,
the task of never letting yourself rest;
the task of always expecting the worst;
the task of never loving anyone fully,
and never letting anyone love you back.

All I wanted
was to be able to trust someone
And I would cut
and use
and drink
and fuck
and wish
and pray
and hope
out of desparation
that someone would come along
and make me trust them;
that someone would come along
and save me.

I looked into the eyes
my angel
my fiance
my sweet, sweet boy
and I told him
for the first time in our relationship
for the first time in my life
that I trusted him completely
and I took a breath
as he hugged me in such a way
that let me know
that he understood the magnitude of what I had just said.

I realized
that I had it wrong
all this time.

My ability to trust
does not depend
on everyone else
on anyone else.
My ability to trust
depends on me.

is a choice
is a decision
is a conscious effort, every single day
to look into someone’s eyes
and give them your most vulnerable parts
knowing all of the things that could go horribly wrong
but believing
that they won’t.

I am making
that choice
that decision
that everyday effort
because I am so very tired
so very exhausted
of fighting it …
and because
I have finally found someone
worth it.