* This post was written by me in 2013, but the original host site it was posted on does not exist anymore, so I am re-posting it here. Fun fact, this post is how my husband found me, by reading these exact words and connecting to everything I had to say. 5 years married now, because of such a random twist of fate. A lot has happened since writing this, including clarity that I was still very very mentally unwell. Things did not start turning around until I cut my family out of my life two years ago. It is the decision that has saved my life.
I am also disabling likes & comments. This just needs to be here, left alone.
I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.
It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear. Continue reading →
Sometimes its so hard for me to see beauty. I feel so blackened, so burnt. Pieces of my skin fall off, and I leave my ashy mark on every path I step foot on. The public bathrooms are my sanctuary; I lift my feet up above the door, and I curl up, and I wait to be alone. I don’t want this world to spin anymore. Why won’t it slow down? Why is everyone out to hurt me? I want to look around and see good people; to allow myself to believe that their smiles aren’t fake. I want to breathe in kindness, authenticity, loyalty. I want to see beauty in the eyes of these ugly people, whose shadows give their burdened hearts away. Continue reading →
Why aren’t things different? Better? Fixed? Why is it that when the rain starts, I am still falling down into the dark pits of past trauma? I don’t understand it, why I am still tormented so. I can still remember, physically, the touches that I did not agree to; the fear of making a sound; the emptiness. Continue reading →
My skin still burns. The pain feels current, even though the waves of the abuse have long since washed away. Why do I still feel you? Why do I still see you? Your touch leaves a residue; a grime that I cannot scrub off. Your prescence is hiding in my closest, under my bed, next to me while I sleep. I feel your eyes on me when I stand naked in the shower, when I cry alone on the floor.
I started counseling again yesterday. I don’t know what I expect to gain here, but I knew that I needed to try. She told me that she wanted me to write down some goals that I have for this counseling thing, and to bring them next week. Goals? Continue reading →
I crave the security in keeping busy. I crave the control over having a ‘to do’ list and checking off each thing. I crave the daylight. I crave noise. When the silence hits, when the sun begins to set, the … Continue reading →
All it takes is a click
Passing someone that looks familiar
or passing the one that actually did it
or getting into a car with the same seats as before
or hearing a name Continue reading →