stop leaving me every night i close my eyes and watch you walk away from me with someone new your voice is unwavering when it tells me ‘i have moved on’ this is tormenting me torturing me it pulls … Continue reading
I finally understand. Why I’ve been running all this time, chasing the high. Fighting for freedom. Not wanting to die, but hoping I would.
It’s all coming together now. You stole something from me. Everything. And as you hoped, I blocked it out. Remnants remained, giving me nightmares and an uncontrollable fear, but my brain allowed the memories to disappear.
Last night, I drank a bottle of cough syrup. I have just started counseling. I was going to be alone today, while two men cleaned our vents. I drank a bottle of cough syrup, and I didn’t understand why.
… you. You are why.
The gates are opening. I am the little girl again. I am feeling all of the sensations. And now I know why I have done what I have done in my life. The failures, the drugs, the drinking, the pain, the anguish, the lies, the cheating, it was all to run away from you. As long as I kept fucking up, the attention would stay on that instead of what you did to me.
I made a choice to start counseling again. And I knew that this was probably going to happen … but I also didn’t know how it was going to feel. The fear, the trembling, the running to the bottle of cough syrup … I have to believe it now. I have to say that you
you did something very bad to me as a little girl. A lonely girl. A sad girl.
I guess right now, that’s all I can really say.
I guess this is the beginning.
How do you keep your humanity in a world that hurts? Keep rising out of bed, when you don’t know how to stand? Still have hope for the future, with a past full of hate? Sometimes its so hard for … Continue reading
Why aren’t things different? Better? Fixed? Why is it that when the rain starts, I am still falling down into the dark pits of past trauma? I don’t understand it, why I am still tormented so. I can still remember, … Continue reading
Careful. You never know when someone unexpected will perform a sleight of hand, and in turn, send you flying hopelessly off into the night sky. Those basic bitches that turn into complicated Jokers, tearing off their perfectly symmetrical faces and … Continue reading
i am not as good as you you do everything better i just remembered something there is nothing interesting about me but you you you have the world watching, waiting telling us the hows & whys & whens & wheres … Continue reading
My skin still burns. The pain feels current, even though the waves of the abuse have long since washed away. Why do I still feel you? Why do I still see you? Your touch leaves a residue; a grime that … Continue reading
i wake up to the back of his neck. i nuzzle my face into his skin and i repeat i need you i need you i need you i stare at the tattoo on his back his hair the way … Continue reading
Haunt my thoughts
Until the very blood in my veins
drips with darkness.
Suffocated in times past
I cannot run
I cannot hide
I cannot hold my breath
It is there
my closest friend.
Though I no longer cave to the thoughts of ending my own life,
I now fear that
are killing me.
I started counseling again yesterday. I don’t know what I expect to gain here, as my insurance only covers 12 sessions, but I knew that I needed to try. She told me that she wanted me to write down some … Continue reading