to my husband

  • originally posted september 3, 2013

You do not know that I am writing this.

You are sitting across from me, giving me the space that you know I need. It isn’t easy for you, this space, because you are the type that craves constant affection. You want cuddles and hugs and kisses … but the thought of being touched overwhelms me with anxiety.

You need affection and you deserve affection, and I cannot give it to you.
And yet, you buy me fluffy socks and stuffy animals and earrings and write me sweet cards, never asking for anything in return.
Never pressuring me for anything in return.

The last few weeks have been torture for us both; ER visits, psych ward visits, me clawing and yelling and pushing you to most peoples’ breaking points. You have watched me lose it in public, even falling to the ground sobbing. You have watched me deteriorate before your eyes. And throughout it all, you have never once said, “You are going crazy.” You do not condescend me. You reassure me that you are sticking by my side and that you love me.

You believe me when I say that something is biologically wrong with me. You believe me when I tell you that I know depression and I know the mental issues I have dealt (and still am dealing) with, and that this is not it. Not only do you believe it, but you advocate for it. You push doctors. You do not take no for an answer. You insist that you will take me anywhere and everywhere that I need to go until answers are given … no matter how long it takes.

I fight hard to stay alive. The meds are making me physically sedated just enough to keep me from harming myself again, but they do not touch the mental aspects. It is all I can do to keep myself from jumping in front of a car again (which I was inches away from, until you pulled me away at the last second).

I am fighting so hard that your needs have gone unmet. In the sporadic moments of clarity that I get, when my brain decides to let me think rationally for five minutes, I recognize this.

Yet, you never complain.

This note to you is to let you know that you are not going unnoticed. You are the first person in my life that has not given up on me; that has not called me crazy; that has not walked away; that has decided to carry me, as I desperately need to be carried at this moment. I told you from the beginning that you were/are the most beautiful person I had ever met. You have proven to me through all of this that I was right.

All of the horrible, nightmarish things you have experienced in your past should have turned you evil … but they didn’t. You carry guilt around with you and I hope that one day you will look back at what you are doing for me (which no doubt you have done for others) and finally see what I see in you.

Right now, I cannot see a future. I see nothing that gives me the excitement to go on.
But I will.
I will go on.
I will go on because I have you by my side.

I swear that I will give all I have to not give up.

The doubts about you and our marriage are gone,
you are my one and only;
my other half;
my soul mate.

I waited for you and you found me.

And so, I leave you with this:
I love you.